Nodding dogs are just for the rear windscreen

If they can ban mobile phones in the car why can't they ban dogs too? I queue in the morning traffic, a delight of course, especially when you get the chance to observe other drivers. There's one bloke I see from time to time, drives a sports car, probably smells of lavender, eats quiche for lunch, you know the sort. But what distracts me is his white poodle dog which sits on his lap behind the steering wheel, it's jumping about, spinning round, licking his face, peering out the open window. Urgh, shoot it. Or better still, I'm waiting for its paw to hit the electric window button while it's peering out!

True Comic Relief

He's popular, talented, really funny, does great impressions, can sing, can dance (well a brilliant Shakin' Stevens impression at least). Yes I know, it sounds like a description of me, but it's not. It's the superb Rob Brydon who made us constantly laugh, on stage last night. His humour, quick wit and audience banter was brilliant. He's number 1 in the charts with the comic relief song, and finished the night doing this in a funny way of course. He went into the audience and tried to get his leg back onto the stage but kept falling back. A lady in the front row tried to help with a hand round his buttocks. I tried to get a photo of the cheeky incident. You can just make out Rob after being touched up at the front of the stage.

I want my £30 back...

I have an idea why Newcastle City Council has just received the worst annual review. A few weeks ago, I blogged my parking ticket incident. I appealed twice claiming that it was not marked properly as a loading bay, and because of building work going on it was not obvious to the driver. I paid for a ticket thinking it was a normal bay. Anyway, the gits at the council made me pay £30. But the sneaky council has now put a brand new LOADING BAY sign on the parking bay, taking my advice but still fining me. So I'm now trying to get my £30 back.

Older, bolder, shrinking shoulder

I'm now officially old, I've moved onto another age section when you fill in forms. Still feel like a big kid though, so it must be true when they say it's all in the mind. My celebrations came to a head with a fantastic party at a great venue, Magnesia Bank arranged by my beautiful girlfriend. It was great fun to see daft dancing and be with all friends and family in the same room. Food provided by The Black Door, it was so good I just wanted to kiss it all. So I'm now at the age where I start thinking about caravans, taking up golf, getting a tartan blanket for the car just in case I get stranded and of course buying a second fridge to go in the garage. I'm the good looking fella in the middle on this photo, my mate on the left trying to look like William Shatner and uncle on the right who looks like he's got a hair in his mouth. I look the youngest of course. Now I'm off to measure my spine..

Quelle surprise

My birthday celebrations continued on. After a champagne surprise, I also had another to look forward to. A hot stone massage. I lay there for an hour while a pro (cough) massaged my back and legs with oils and volcanic rocks which were heated. What an amazing feeling, I was so relaxed you could've tickled my feet while I looked you in the eye. This is how everyone should fall asleep. So I'm putting my girlfriend on a teaching course; then I can have one of these on demand.

My name is Michael CAINES...

Well it's coming soon, a special birthday for me, I turn the age when your spine probably starts shrinking. To start the celebrations, we went off to Glasgow for the weekend as we've never been. It's a great City and men do wear kilts and the Scottish breakfasts are a carb explosion. We had a very special night at Michael Caines' restaurant Abode. Don't mix him up with the cockney actor though, he's a 2 star Michelin chef - what a show off. What an amazing meal we had, including Scottish salmon confit, venison and a raspberry and chocolate tart. The lady in my life had crab tortellini, halibut and a banana souffle. How posh we are.

Watch the birdie

There's nothing quite like having a portion of chips from a good chip shop and eating them at the seaside. I'm lucky enough to have this on my doorstep and it's great to give yourself a treat once in a while. I reckon it's far too cold this time of year for the seagulls to hover over you and pinch a chip so go and test this out if you live on the coast. It'll not be long before they start protecting their young and swooping down on me as I go for a run. I once turned round as a seagull was coming towards me, put my arms out wide making a feeble 'raaaah' sound. It did nothing, I'm sure the bird gave me a condescending look. The family across the road shook their heads.