Amstell was a beer when I was a lad

I've seen a lot of live comedians and a lot of them often do their act around the single life, how lonely it is and the things they get up to as a singleton. Sarah Millican, John Richardson and now Simon Amstell (best known for presenting Buzzcocks and making Preston walk out) . The difference is that Simon is gay so the stories of relationships were slightly different and a bit more cringe worthy. His performance was sometimes more clever than funny (we think we are all like that, but even that's funny in itself). On TV he comes across as cheeky but there was little of that although he still managed to get the laughs in.


He looks a bit like a school kid I reckon. He has one of those faces that will probably never look old. I was going to say a bit like Cliff Richard but would rather refrain from giving the old pop-star a compliment. There is still a comparison as they both have faces we'd secretly like to punch. Add a comment to this post if it's true...

Nothing is real anymore

 Even Bono was there

Kings of Lyon

Now us men are all used to having things being faked around us. It was no different when we went along to the Tynemouth Fake Festival. The acts included:


Kings of Lyon
Really Hot Chilli Peppers
Coldplace


Basically, they rip off the real bands and call themselves tribute acts. Some clever bloke thought he could make a business out of this and so provides food, beer, music and a nice big marquee. We got to see Kings of Lyon but decided to miss out on the others as it got a bit cold even though the sun was out. Guess that's a sign of old age, even for Andrea.

Bono ditches glasses and raises one

The other festival a week later wasn't a fake. It was the second year for the Tynemouth Food Festival. We started it off attending David Kennedy's pop-up restaurant in the canteen in the local private school. I'm sure the kids are used to top food here too.

Also, not so fake was the massive orange I picked up from one of stalls owned by a french man. What a large orange I said to him in french. I think it was lost in translation.

A small apple or a huge orange?

What a Burke and what a Knight we had Scouting For Girls

We now feel like regulars to the Mouth of The Tyne Festival. Last year the highlights were the concerts from James Morrison and The Lightning Seeds. This year we got to see 2 hot looking ladies. Yes, that's right French & Saunders. Nah, it was Alexander Burke and Beverly Knight (not pictured in the foreground), but from a distance you could confuse them I suppose. Actually we were fairly close to the stage. I was more impressed with Beverly Knight, she has a great soul voice and puts on a good show.

Scouting for Girls headlined the second night and they were brilliant, better than I expected. Anyone who throws massive beach balls into the crowd gets my vote though. There might've been some rain but when you've got a beer, a picnic, a view of the sea and a sexy poncho it doesn't matter.

The street entertainment was unusual as always, some strange looking creatures which seemed to frigthen the kids more than Roy Cropper would. I wanted one to come over to me while I sipped my lemonade just so I could whisper in its ear: "What's with the long neck, do your feet smell?"

Sand dancers don't dance but they do make you laugh

South Shields continues with its famous stars. I predicted way back in 2008 that Sarah Millican would make it big and I don't mean her cake shelf. She's risen from local star to TV panelist appearing on shows such as Mock The Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats and with Lee Mack, Frank Skinner and Michael McIntyre. I'm told she's even a regular on the man-eating show Loose Women where they laugh at the size of men's willies and that. We've been to see her 3 times over the past few years, but this time it was the turn for Chris Ramsey, the next South Shields comedian.

He'd come back to his home town at The Customs House to do a gig and most of his school class turned up as he chatted and made some pretty funny comments at the start of his show. I wasn't expecting him to be that good, but his 2nd half was brilliant. It's the show he's taking to the Edinburgh Fringe, called Offermation. It's basically about crap pointless information that people insist on giving you. Right up my street. There's a great twist at the end of the show, very well written and performed. The laughs were all there and I didn't say a word.

So hopefully Chris is also set for stardom, just to take the pressure off little camp Joe McElderry.

The proof of fat & funny

The peoples' champion. Loved by all. Funny. Down to earth. Rotund. A master of his game. No it's not Colin, it's Peter Kay. We went to see him at the over sized Metro Arena venue for Tour That Doesn't Tour - Tour. I want to tell you all about it but don't want to spoil it. There's all new material and it's Peter at his best where he talks about normal everyday things we all relate to from dentists to technology like Sky+. He drops in a few of his old catchphrases just to remind you that bread is not just bread and cake can be made of cheese.

It's well worth waiting for the encore because it's absolutely inspired, bringing together jokes from the show and pure visual, musical genius he does so well. So this definitely proves the notion that a lot of fat people can be funny and not just to look at while they try and reach their other hand while clapping. Some of them at the show however could not stand up when it came to the long rapturous standing ovation for Peter.

Men will ride anything...

The streets of Tynemouth were packed with people for the annual Mouth of the Tyne Festival this weekend. It's the sixth year and this time we got to experience the whole event with a few mad acts through the day (including a fella riding a 10 foot unicycle). On the Saturday night we were at the unbelievable setting inside the Priory on the headland with an open air concert with James Morrison. We're not really fans of his but the fact that the location is so scenic with views of the coastline and he owns a large chain of supermarkets made the whole night a bit more special. You can just make him out in this photo on the left.

The following day used the same location for a number of bands, then a performance from the Lightning Seeds. They were not that strong but for free you can't complain. By then a few more beers, with the beautiful ladies around me along with a picnic made it all worthwhile. As it was world cup final time a few minutes after the final song, you can't help wondering whether they would've performed 'Three Lions' if England had been anywhere further in the tournament. No chnace.

Just before watching the final in the pub we experienced some camp Latino dancing on the beach. At one point a bit perverted as one of the male dancers rode a donkey. A sort of Latino Bernie Clifton dressed in a Hi-De-Hi outfit.

3 good time girls, 2 have-a-go hit-men, 1 suicidal double-act...

I'm such a good son, we took my mother along to see a production at The Live Theatre at the weekend. I must say I really enjoyed it. It was called Jump! and was set in the North East at New Years Eve. It had 3 separate stories, gangsters, suicide and girls drinking. Typical of the North East I reckon, but there was not one mention of Greggs pasties. The acting was great, the story brilliant, the dialog funny and dark and the wine I had was very nice too. Like a Tarantino film, the stories came together right at the end although you could see it coming. It was a really different night out, it touched parts of me I thought only Carlsberg or the girlfriend could. I got someone to take a photo of us at the show - that's me in the middle ;)

I was feeling a bit heavier while watching the play after a top notch meal again from Cafe Vivo. I decided to have real buffalo mozzarella for starters - proper creamy stuff, I could've jumped in it naked. I followed that with beautiful melting Veal, the once controversial meat. I was then forced into eating a chocolate and hazelnut tart. The waiter kindly added a free try of the home-made choc chip ice-cream. Wooo, when I write that down, why I am I not a fat get? No comments please.

Not much of an impression

Can you remember that impressionist from the telly? Us older but good looking generation will remember Mike Yarwood but I'm talking about Alistair McGowan. He's now known more for his green campaigning at Heathrow rather than his old TV series, The Big Impression. The girlfriend and I went along to see him perform at his show and although some of his impressions were good and local (Brendan Foster, Steve Cram, Gazza, Shearer), the gags were pretty poor. I think he's obsessed about football as most of his act was based around it. He revived the impression industry some time ago but it's gone stale again, maybe we need someone else who's more of an all rounder - like Rob Brydon. He ended with his best known impersonation of Dot Cotton who transforms into Harold Steptoe. Overall though it was pretty poor, my girlfriend was even more disappointed, especially later when I did my elephant impression.

How many times can you write the word piccalilli?

A bit of food, a bit of wine and a bit of music. What more do you want? For me, that's a good night out, especially when the food is good and it wasn't bad at The Exchange Bistro. A ham and parsley terrine with piccalilli was better than it sounds. It was moist (love that word) and a nice sharp taste from the piccalilli. Couldn't resist having a rib-eye steak for mains with mushrooms and home made chips, it's a perfect Friday night tea isn't it? I was further impressed with the beautiful lady opposite me tucking into red snapper with mango salsa followed by lamb. She didn't dribble once. The pudding (to share of course) was poor so I'm not going to even mention it, but the maltesers in it would've been better put back in the box and eaten on their own.
With a pretty full stomach it was off to the Magnesia Bank to see a below average band who murdered a Stevie Wonder song, wish I'd saved some piccalilli to throw at them. The saxophonist was really good though so it slightly made up for it.
So, are you hungry after reading this? I am. I'm off to make piccalilli, can't believe the main ingredient is cauliflower - urrrrgh, bad tasting evil brain looking food.

T in the street

I had to look twice the other day watching an episode of Coronation Street. Mr. T appears to be walking along the cobbles in the background. He hates flying so he's not on his way to the airport but he could be on route to the hair-port (Audrey's). Coronation Street has been an institution in my family since I was a tiny lad, it's such a great comedy. Listen up fool...

He's not married to Sally...

This weekend it was the turn of the Live Theatre where we went to support another local comedian, Gavin Webster. We've seen him before, but this time he was much more mellow I thought. He did a lot of local gags which were very funny, including geordie roadsigns and daft short one-liner songs on his ukulele. I reckon he has spurts of genius like his panda routine where he ponders about how extinct they really are, and these are just enough to make you want more. He's done a few things on the telly in his time so watch out, he could be the next geordie voice you hear aside from Ant & Dec or the Big Brother fella.

True Comic Relief

He's popular, talented, really funny, does great impressions, can sing, can dance (well a brilliant Shakin' Stevens impression at least). Yes I know, it sounds like a description of me, but it's not. It's the superb Rob Brydon who made us constantly laugh, on stage last night. His humour, quick wit and audience banter was brilliant. He's number 1 in the charts with the comic relief song, and finished the night doing this in a funny way of course. He went into the audience and tried to get his leg back onto the stage but kept falling back. A lady in the front row tried to help with a hand round his buttocks. I tried to get a photo of the cheeky incident. You can just make out Rob after being touched up at the front of the stage.

So here's to you Mrs...

We gave the small theatre a go last night, watching an adaptation of the oscar winning film, The Graduate. They’d picked a young Dustin Hoffman look-a-like who played the part of the 21 year old really well. Mrs Robinson was very funny and quite convincing, even when she got her kit off (honest!), a naked woman on stage, I nearly choked on my nuts. The Simon and Garfunkel soundtrack was used inbetween scenes which brought back memories of when I watched the film (I was very young though). The overall performance was quite captivating (if you managed to ignore the poor American accent from Dusty Bin’s dad). Driving home in the eery fog, we couldn’t get that well known song out our heads…..so you’ll be singing it now….