A comic in the Live Theatre not in a tin

We've never been to the Fringe in Edinburgh and keep meaning to go along. The closest we have got is to see some comedians as they perfect their acts for the show. The NewcastleGateshead Comedy Festival allows them do do this and at the Live Theatre we laughed quite a lot seeing Jo Caulfield and Anvil Springsteen.

Jo has been on Mock The Week and other comedy panel shows. I was surprised how good she was, picking up on men's daft habits and inability to work out what is wrong with their other half. This will always remain a mystery to men, so best just leave us to watch the TV with no other thoughts going on in our minds.

Anvil was a lot more different, he threw his prep notes away at the beginning and just got on with the job. His dark humour was often very funny but was sometimes skirting around for laughs but got them. His opinions on young people were spot on and he targeted an 18 year old in the audience to confirm if those 'uncontrolled urges' still go on. They do by the way and surely it's not just when you are younger. What got a lot of laughter involved the sister-in-law as we were there in a group. Anvil was reminiscing and asked if we could all remember Marvel in a tin. He then asked the sis-in-law if she could remember and replied "You mean comics used to be in a tin?". Now that was funny, but the innocence of it all made it funnier again. We chatted to Anvil Springsteen later in the bar, he lives in Newcastle, but is a scouser, so he wasn't 'Born in the USA'. I didn't do that joke but felt like he wanted me to.

All in all, I was pretty well entertained with minimal effort, a bit like watching TV when the Mrs isn't there (see above). We got lush food at The Broad Chare and drink from a few other bars, so let it all happen again soon and we will be content.

Amstell was a beer when I was a lad

I've seen a lot of live comedians and a lot of them often do their act around the single life, how lonely it is and the things they get up to as a singleton. Sarah Millican, John Richardson and now Simon Amstell (best known for presenting Buzzcocks and making Preston walk out) . The difference is that Simon is gay so the stories of relationships were slightly different and a bit more cringe worthy. His performance was sometimes more clever than funny (we think we are all like that, but even that's funny in itself). On TV he comes across as cheeky but there was little of that although he still managed to get the laughs in.


He looks a bit like a school kid I reckon. He has one of those faces that will probably never look old. I was going to say a bit like Cliff Richard but would rather refrain from giving the old pop-star a compliment. There is still a comparison as they both have faces we'd secretly like to punch. Add a comment to this post if it's true...

Sand dancers don't dance but they do make you laugh

South Shields continues with its famous stars. I predicted way back in 2008 that Sarah Millican would make it big and I don't mean her cake shelf. She's risen from local star to TV panelist appearing on shows such as Mock The Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats and with Lee Mack, Frank Skinner and Michael McIntyre. I'm told she's even a regular on the man-eating show Loose Women where they laugh at the size of men's willies and that. We've been to see her 3 times over the past few years, but this time it was the turn for Chris Ramsey, the next South Shields comedian.

He'd come back to his home town at The Customs House to do a gig and most of his school class turned up as he chatted and made some pretty funny comments at the start of his show. I wasn't expecting him to be that good, but his 2nd half was brilliant. It's the show he's taking to the Edinburgh Fringe, called Offermation. It's basically about crap pointless information that people insist on giving you. Right up my street. There's a great twist at the end of the show, very well written and performed. The laughs were all there and I didn't say a word.

So hopefully Chris is also set for stardom, just to take the pressure off little camp Joe McElderry.

Public whipping

The last time I visited Glasgow was for my birthday but I looked forward to going again to be best man for my round-glassed mate Andy and make him safe during his stag do. Not much planning needed from me really as the groom with the clipboard and military itinerary had everything under control, even the statistics of preferred lap-dancers.

Off the train, to the hotel to change into our costumes which consisted of fruit-pastel coloured jockey T-Shirts and hats. It felt good to look ridiculous since the last time I dressed up but I was glad I wasn't the groom as he had the full jockey outfit on including whip and boots. I'm pretty sure he already had the whip and boots, he seemed so comfortable in them. A confident man in boots. I suppose anyone carrying a whip will have confidence, even his walk was very much in the style of a man with a purpose.

So in all our glory we trotted off to Ayr races to win absolutely bot-all on the horses. It didn't matter as it was such a good laugh, becoming the centre of attraction for all the ladies wishing to get their photos taken and caress Andy's whip. It's amazing how those ladies managed to actually look more like the horses than the horses running.

A few drinks later it was time to go straight to the Glasgow night life and see if we could understand any Scottish accents at the Comedy Club. The Scottish accent is just one big blur and even more so under the influence so most people resorted to sign-language and shouting. Infact some people from other groups did a lot of shouting and talking during the comedian performances. They were slowly told to leave over a period of about an hour through heckling and basic put downs from the stand up. We all agreed they were arseholes by clapping them out of the venue.

Without the costumes this time we still got noticed. It must have been the 15 jam-jar glasses we all wore. Towards the end of the night things seemed much easier in those glasses, the world made more sense. Passers-by didn't judge you for looking disabled. I put this down to the fact that a lot of hard-nosed Glaswegians do actually look retarded. For that reason I felt as comfortable as Andy did wearing his long black slender boots.

Overall a great time and great way to celebrate. Being best man meant I could call all the shots though I'm not one to make a fool of the groom, he managed that himself.

The proof of fat & funny

The peoples' champion. Loved by all. Funny. Down to earth. Rotund. A master of his game. No it's not Colin, it's Peter Kay. We went to see him at the over sized Metro Arena venue for Tour That Doesn't Tour - Tour. I want to tell you all about it but don't want to spoil it. There's all new material and it's Peter at his best where he talks about normal everyday things we all relate to from dentists to technology like Sky+. He drops in a few of his old catchphrases just to remind you that bread is not just bread and cake can be made of cheese.

It's well worth waiting for the encore because it's absolutely inspired, bringing together jokes from the show and pure visual, musical genius he does so well. So this definitely proves the notion that a lot of fat people can be funny and not just to look at while they try and reach their other hand while clapping. Some of them at the show however could not stand up when it came to the long rapturous standing ovation for Peter.

Frankie says...I would quite happily punch everyone in the face

You just have to laugh at Frankie Boyle (the funnier one from BBC2's Mock the Week) and his live tour called 'I would quite happily punch everyone in the face'. He's no relation to Susan Boyle although he has said that there is some resemblance as he looks ridiculous dressed as a woman too. We went to see him at the City Hall on Friday and he was a star act. He's been in the news quite a lot recently for his controversial jokes. Jokes that no one batted an eye-lid at many years ago. I must admit, he was definitely close to the knuckle on some of his jokes but still overall a very funny man with some topical material. He's the first act we've seen who didn't do an encore, perhaps he's just really pi**ed off with people, I mean if you name your tour like that you must be. Anyway, it's all an act, they are just jokes to make you laugh, wince, think and take a sharp intake of breath.

Those who are 'offended' (whatever that emotion really is) should either stay away, or start an "I am offended at everything around me" group on Facebook. Then the same people can join another group called "I am further offended by the 'I am offended at everything around me' group on Facebook". Then they can all be grouped under the generic group called 'I have nothing to do in life but be a do-gooder'.

Camping night out

Another comedian at the Live Theatre tempted us to go on a little Christmas night out at the Live Theatre again, battling the blizzards and minus temperatures. We were thoroughly entertained by Jon Richardson who looks like Gino D'Acampo's brother (not that I've met his brother). He presents comedy shows on BBC Radio 6, has supported Alan Carr and been on Have I Got News For You. We had a table right at the front of the stage but he was probably frightened to pick on us, so instead chose a few others in the audience.

The first half was more of a funny chat and it turned out that the whole audience thought he was camp. But what would you do if he asked you to cheer if you think he's camp? Even if he was butch, had a bull terrier on a lead and a huge tattoo on his forehead you would cheer. Actually come to think of it, that sounds camp anyway. Jesus, I don't know what camp is anymore, I've even just cocked my leg as I said that, cheer if you think I'm camp. No wonder he looks like Gino D'ACAMPO.

The second half was funnier again as he did a set he won an award for in Edinburgh. He talks about his life as a single man, his weird thoughts and observations. One included an old couple on a train who were forced to sit apart from each other. After a while Jon couldn't help noticing that the man reached across to his wife, and slapped her head very hard, then nonchalantly carried on reading. He reckons that if you can still play games like that and laugh about it, you've got is sussed. So I'm off to slap the girlfriend...

Not much of an impression

Can you remember that impressionist from the telly? Us older but good looking generation will remember Mike Yarwood but I'm talking about Alistair McGowan. He's now known more for his green campaigning at Heathrow rather than his old TV series, The Big Impression. The girlfriend and I went along to see him perform at his show and although some of his impressions were good and local (Brendan Foster, Steve Cram, Gazza, Shearer), the gags were pretty poor. I think he's obsessed about football as most of his act was based around it. He revived the impression industry some time ago but it's gone stale again, maybe we need someone else who's more of an all rounder - like Rob Brydon. He ended with his best known impersonation of Dot Cotton who transforms into Harold Steptoe. Overall though it was pretty poor, my girlfriend was even more disappointed, especially later when I did my elephant impression.

A posh bloke in the toon

It can't always be up to the man to make his lady laugh so I took my lady to see the comedian John Gordillo at the weekend with his show called Fu*konomics. He might've just been a bit too posh for Newcastle but he had moments that were very funny, especially his story about his Spanish father who insisted on telling his 7 year old Grandson that Willy Wonker's Chocolate factory would not survive with Charlie running it, what with the union problems, umpa lumpas and the capitalist system. Even funnier moments were at crucial points in his stories where someones phone went off on two different occasions. By then we were on to our second bottle of wine so even my own jokes were funny, ask my girlfriend.

The willy contender

Had to take a picture of this in an Asian supermarket. My girlfriend laughed loud, the word Fu-Fu means a lot more to ladies, a nickname for the erm....well you know. Some girls called them 'Flower' too so imagine my surprise when the two words were almost put together! It's a staple food of Africa; the flour, that is.

He's not married to Sally...

This weekend it was the turn of the Live Theatre where we went to support another local comedian, Gavin Webster. We've seen him before, but this time he was much more mellow I thought. He did a lot of local gags which were very funny, including geordie roadsigns and daft short one-liner songs on his ukulele. I reckon he has spurts of genius like his panda routine where he ponders about how extinct they really are, and these are just enough to make you want more. He's done a few things on the telly in his time so watch out, he could be the next geordie voice you hear aside from Ant & Dec or the Big Brother fella.

True Comic Relief

He's popular, talented, really funny, does great impressions, can sing, can dance (well a brilliant Shakin' Stevens impression at least). Yes I know, it sounds like a description of me, but it's not. It's the superb Rob Brydon who made us constantly laugh, on stage last night. His humour, quick wit and audience banter was brilliant. He's number 1 in the charts with the comic relief song, and finished the night doing this in a funny way of course. He went into the audience and tried to get his leg back onto the stage but kept falling back. A lady in the front row tried to help with a hand round his buttocks. I tried to get a photo of the cheeky incident. You can just make out Rob after being touched up at the front of the stage.

So here's to you Mrs...

We gave the small theatre a go last night, watching an adaptation of the oscar winning film, The Graduate. They’d picked a young Dustin Hoffman look-a-like who played the part of the 21 year old really well. Mrs Robinson was very funny and quite convincing, even when she got her kit off (honest!), a naked woman on stage, I nearly choked on my nuts. The Simon and Garfunkel soundtrack was used inbetween scenes which brought back memories of when I watched the film (I was very young though). The overall performance was quite captivating (if you managed to ignore the poor American accent from Dusty Bin’s dad). Driving home in the eery fog, we couldn’t get that well known song out our heads…..so you’ll be singing it now….

Sarah's Not Nice

Well we didn't have to wait long to get tickets for South Shields comedian Sarah Millican, I got them for a surprise Christmas present for that beautiful lady in my life and we went along at the weekend. She was absolutely great again, with her 'Not Nice' set with jokes about her divorce and life after. We got to hear her new material too which was just as good. I think Sarah is something special on the comedy circuit at the moment, great comedy timing and I reckon she will go far.

Shields lasses win awards

Great to see that local South Shields comedian Sarah Millican is starting to make an impact into the national comedy circuit. We went to see her some time ago, you can read about it here. She's just won best newcomer at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, that's a big achievement. Look out for her, starting with an appearance on Have I Got News For You in December. Hopefully it won't be too long before she does a gig near her home town and I can go along.

He's a count...ry boy...

Last night ended up being such a good one, seeing Rich Hall the American comedian, writer and musician. He's often seen on QI, Have I got News For You and performed alongside Jack Dee. He did stand-up in his own ironic style for the first half then stormed the place in the second half with his character based (Otis Lee Crenshaw) pi$$-take out of country songs, playing the keyboard along with his deliberately sombre band. He won an award for this and it's easy to see why. His songs and part improvised songs about women, whisky and members of the audience were pure genius and hilarious. We had such a good night, would see him all over again as long as we can sit somewhere where there wasn't a constant smell of sulphurhuric logs from some fat blokes ass.

Carr not in top gear

We expected to see a great show when we went along to see Jimmy Carr, the Joke Technician but he just didn't deliver. The funniest people there were the audience with their weird comments and questions. Jimmy kept asking "Have you got any questions?", as if he'd ran out of material and the audience kept asking him "Are you gay?". They must've been getting mixed up with his brother, Alan.

Comic Black Books

What a great night out it was to go and see Irish comedian Dylan Moran. Genius comedy, a look at the world, relationships and life in general. He wrote and starred in the sitcom Black Books which was just as good. Dylan ate chocolate and sipped on Rose wine while doing his act. What a great job, if only I was funny and could get away with drinking Rose in front of a packed audience.

BiG lasses

For a long time, I've tried and failed to find this favourite photo of mine that I had for years then lost. In a shop in York, my girlfriend was browsing through hundreds of photo's on the wall and called me over laughing her big head off at one in particular. I couldn't believe it. Big glasses are not just about Deidre Barlow.

Merton, I've got news for you, get some new chums

Monday night I went to see Paul Merton with his 'Improv Chums'. Nomally I wouldn't go anywhere with Chums in the title. Almost the same as the set I watched at the Sage with Phil Jupitas in March but not as funny. That large fella Mike McShane from Whose Line was there. My ice cream was nice but the man to my left smelt, if you're reading this, get a shower you tramp.