What a fat christmas pudding

The man night out is of course always a special one. Over the years at Christmas it has turned into a much more civilised event where we dress like a clapped out version of Take That and go for a posh curry. That said we did have a great night at Spiced Cube in Newcastle. The food could've been better but we still made it a good night out with plenty of old stories and constant micky takes (one including the fact that I blog things like this!) Mark who is pictured here was the only one to opt for a dessert which didn't surprise me as his face lit up when he heard the word chocolate fudge cake. He ate the lot and got none on his Mark Owen shirt or his Christmas-bauble-like-head. Like a child he couldn't drink his Cobra but could manage a great fat pudding. Merry Xmas to you all and those millions of blog readers, enjoy the festivities.

Camping night out

Another comedian at the Live Theatre tempted us to go on a little Christmas night out at the Live Theatre again, battling the blizzards and minus temperatures. We were thoroughly entertained by Jon Richardson who looks like Gino D'Acampo's brother (not that I've met his brother). He presents comedy shows on BBC Radio 6, has supported Alan Carr and been on Have I Got News For You. We had a table right at the front of the stage but he was probably frightened to pick on us, so instead chose a few others in the audience.

The first half was more of a funny chat and it turned out that the whole audience thought he was camp. But what would you do if he asked you to cheer if you think he's camp? Even if he was butch, had a bull terrier on a lead and a huge tattoo on his forehead you would cheer. Actually come to think of it, that sounds camp anyway. Jesus, I don't know what camp is anymore, I've even just cocked my leg as I said that, cheer if you think I'm camp. No wonder he looks like Gino D'ACAMPO.

The second half was funnier again as he did a set he won an award for in Edinburgh. He talks about his life as a single man, his weird thoughts and observations. One included an old couple on a train who were forced to sit apart from each other. After a while Jon couldn't help noticing that the man reached across to his wife, and slapped her head very hard, then nonchalantly carried on reading. He reckons that if you can still play games like that and laugh about it, you've got is sussed. So I'm off to slap the girlfriend...

Soooooth Shields Joe to win

Being born in South Shields, growing up there and visiting family once a week I feel it is my duty to support the X-Factor finalist Joe McElderry. My mother reckons he's great and shares the same hair dresser with his grandmother - what a brilliant claim to fame. His grandmother (who's just changed her name to 'Vote Joe' - eh!) must've been getting her hair done quite a lot because she's been back and forwards down to London. They missed the plane last week and had to get a taxi there. Wonder if Simon Cowell paid for that, he's not got much money so hope he's not struggling in his monopolisation and world domination of everything that has a pulse.

It's a massive show, brilliant for the area and the boy is a good singer. It's such a shame and annoying when the X-Factor video excerpts show old sofa's in back yards when the cameras come to South Shields. They really know how to paint the wrong picture. Anyway, good luck to Joe. Even Elvis is backing him. I got tickets for the live event in South Shields on Sunday but gave them to my niece, what a great uncle.

In the market for a sausage

Sometimes, a man just can't resist walking past a german food stall and admiring the size of the sausage. I admired it so much, I just had to have a Super Bratwurst sausage from the Christmas Market in Manchester. They are rather long and stick out of the small buns they put them in. Mine managed to find its way out of the bun and onto my jacket during eating, much to the surprise of those around me. It felt like my fly was open.

3 good time girls, 2 have-a-go hit-men, 1 suicidal double-act...

I'm such a good son, we took my mother along to see a production at The Live Theatre at the weekend. I must say I really enjoyed it. It was called Jump! and was set in the North East at New Years Eve. It had 3 separate stories, gangsters, suicide and girls drinking. Typical of the North East I reckon, but there was not one mention of Greggs pasties. The acting was great, the story brilliant, the dialog funny and dark and the wine I had was very nice too. Like a Tarantino film, the stories came together right at the end although you could see it coming. It was a really different night out, it touched parts of me I thought only Carlsberg or the girlfriend could. I got someone to take a photo of us at the show - that's me in the middle ;)

I was feeling a bit heavier while watching the play after a top notch meal again from Cafe Vivo. I decided to have real buffalo mozzarella for starters - proper creamy stuff, I could've jumped in it naked. I followed that with beautiful melting Veal, the once controversial meat. I was then forced into eating a chocolate and hazelnut tart. The waiter kindly added a free try of the home-made choc chip ice-cream. Wooo, when I write that down, why I am I not a fat get? No comments please.

Nowt to do with Herbie

I was expecting to have a nice drive along the coast in a Volkswagen when we were invited to a Beetle Drive at Tynemouth Rowing Club but was shocked to find a totally different experience that was pretty funny. My Gran and girlfriend knew what a Beetle Drive was but not me. For those of you who don't know; it's about throwing a dice to build up a picture of a beetle where numbers on the dice represent parts of its body. Once someone completes the beetle, you shout 'Beetle'. Winners and highest scorers move onto the next table and start again. It's probably where the origins of Swinging came from. As you can imagine, lots of alcohol just adds to the occasion. Even more so with the 80% Stroh Austrian punch (a bit like mulled wine). It involves a special pot over a heat filled with red wine, cinnamon, orange, other spices and this crazy rum called Stroh. A big roll of sugar is melted over the top and it caramelises in the punch. It's got a good kick, keeps you warm and has probably been used to rub graffiti from walls.

Forget wheelchair races, what about pushchairs?

It was cold, a mud bath, regular cow pats, massive puddles and lots of wobbling bums. No it wasn't a night out in Sunderland or a Latvian lap dancing club, I was doing the 10K Town Moor run in Newcastle. It was enjoyable although you had to watch your footing. A fella with his kid in a pushchair passed me early on, apparently he didn't have a babysitter - classic, only in the North East! I ran past him later. So there's events for walks, runs, cycle races, dog walks etc. It's only a matter of time before there's a pushchair race and the prize is a Greggs sausage roll (the Greggs dummy) for the kid. Even a blind person passed me along with his guide, though he didn't see me giving him the V's. Amazing. Anyway, I managed to do it in 53m 06s which is good for me and my old legs. This rather rigid looking photo was taken before the race of course, hence the lack of mud and the beautiful smile.

Not much of an impression

Can you remember that impressionist from the telly? Us older but good looking generation will remember Mike Yarwood but I'm talking about Alistair McGowan. He's now known more for his green campaigning at Heathrow rather than his old TV series, The Big Impression. The girlfriend and I went along to see him perform at his show and although some of his impressions were good and local (Brendan Foster, Steve Cram, Gazza, Shearer), the gags were pretty poor. I think he's obsessed about football as most of his act was based around it. He revived the impression industry some time ago but it's gone stale again, maybe we need someone else who's more of an all rounder - like Rob Brydon. He ended with his best known impersonation of Dot Cotton who transforms into Harold Steptoe. Overall though it was pretty poor, my girlfriend was even more disappointed, especially later when I did my elephant impression.

Up the peaks with brown cheeks

A little holiday in South West Scotland was a great idea last week. We stayed in a superb homely cottage not far from the 'food town' of Castle Douglas. Although it's called a food town, apart from their excellent selection of butchers and bakers it's hard to see why. I did of course visit the butchers and was pretty impressed. The girlfriend was even more impressed when I cooked with the meat later that night; a chunky cottage pie. After resting our massive belly's that night, we walked it off the next day in the woods. We did the same the next day but this time climbed 330m metres up to Screel Hill where you can see right across the Solway to the Lake District. It was hard not to laugh when a lady in front fell flat on her face in the mud. I picked her up only to find she had a hilarious mud beard. Unfortunately she cut her cheek quite badly and had to go back down the hill even though she was only 10 metres from the peak. Overall a great break and will be booking that cottage again, great for meeting up with your friends if you have any!

A posh bloke in the toon

It can't always be up to the man to make his lady laugh so I took my lady to see the comedian John Gordillo at the weekend with his show called Fu*konomics. He might've just been a bit too posh for Newcastle but he had moments that were very funny, especially his story about his Spanish father who insisted on telling his 7 year old Grandson that Willy Wonker's Chocolate factory would not survive with Charlie running it, what with the union problems, umpa lumpas and the capitalist system. Even funnier moments were at crucial points in his stories where someones phone went off on two different occasions. By then we were on to our second bottle of wine so even my own jokes were funny, ask my girlfriend.

Bedroom wind

Can you remember Changing Rooms, the TV programme that had everyone hooked just because you wanted to see someone cry on seeing their transformed room? Either that or you wanted to see Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen punched in the face or strangled by one of his silky sequin scarves. He should've stuck to Bullseye in my opinion (or auditioned for the part of the next Dr. Who).

Anyway, I decided that I was going to do my version of Changing Rooms while the girlfriend was away in London at the weekend and surprise her. So as I'm now 40, I have a batch of sticks that I've saved over the years, ready for stirring paint. The Saturday morning was a morning of horrendous wind outside so I first had to deal with the greenhouse blowing over and general havoc the wind was causing which was a nice start, After that, the furniture was moved out, walls painted (3 coats), wallpapered one wall, stood on roller tray-smashed it, got paint on my shoe, got paint in my hair, opened the window about an inch, wind came in, blew the loft hatch off in on the stairs landing. Apart from that, it all went well even though the girlfriend rang me to say that her train was due in at 3:30PM instead of 5PM. From then I ran around like my ass was on fire to get things ready. It was all worth it to see her face when she walked in to the new room, not a tear in sight, or a Carol Cheesy Smiley.

The willy contender

Had to take a picture of this in an Asian supermarket. My girlfriend laughed loud, the word Fu-Fu means a lot more to ladies, a nickname for the erm....well you know. Some girls called them 'Flower' too so imagine my surprise when the two words were almost put together! It's a staple food of Africa; the flour, that is.

The modern wedding

Wedding ceremony's are just an excuse for a right good drink, we were at one in Leeds at the weekend and things have moved on in the modern wedding world. It's trendy now to have the whole day dedicated to the wedding, none of this going home and 'getting changed for the night do'. It saves on clothes and gives you more time to drink, socialise and have a nibble on some canapes. My canape was a concoction of venison and liquorice, that's no cheese and pineapple on a cocktail stick (which should make a come back by the way). The speeches were made by four people which lasted an hour or more and were all quite funny. The food was really good especially the mains which included a dustbin sized Yorkshire pudding which I was tempted to put on my head as a wedding hat for some reason. It's also a growing trend for the first dance to be cleverly choreographed and well practiced, you just need to look on YouTube. Seen as the groom used to be a dancer I was expecting something good but it just looked like 'dad-dancing' to me.

Burgers baby

Thanks to all who voted, I managed to WIN the burger recipe competition with Sainsbury’s Trynation. There’s only one thing for it, make those winning burgers. I reckon it’s like having a baby or practicing to have one:-

Do it outside, it’s more fun and the neighbours can talk all about you to the other neighbours.

Get your hands dirty, get them in the bowl and give the meat a good old work around.
Once you’re out of breath, you’re ready for a bit of patting, molding that meat, make sure you touch the sides.

Produce 6 lovely babies, double it if you’re a catholic or were born in Sunderland.

B-Factor

The burger recipe competition closes in a few days and I'm still in the lead by 4%, there were thousands of entries. If you haven't voted (many thanks if you have), forget the veggie burger in 2nd place and vote for me. Whose heard of a burger without meat anyway? I'm sure it's only in there for diversity reasons. I'm surprised the blue cheese burger was allowed in without having other burgers representing the spectrum of colours. The winner gets £500 worth of shopping so tins and crisps for family Xmas presents this year. GO VOTE FOR ME NOW, TELL YOUR FRIENDS, TELL THE WORLD

The little burga made it

Exciting burger times. My sundried tomato and pine nut burger has made the last 5 in a competition. So if you are reading this and would like to vote, please click here and select the 'Vote for this twist' button for Ian's sundried tomato and pine nut burger. Thanks for voting, will blog the results.

Forget the IPhone, get an IPlate

No the IPlate is not a piece of crockery that sings while you eat your dinner, but could really improve your internet performance. If you want to increase your broadband speed then take a look at the IPlate from BT. If you have a master BT socket, you can fit this in seconds and it could make a big difference. It did with me, my speed was 3.9MB average before fitting it and now it's gone up to 4.8MB average. I've regularly used SpeedTest to check my broadband performance (every man should check their performance once in a while) so I know that this has worked. This is well worth a pop, I got mine from the BT Shop for £6.

Manly burger

Hey I've got one of my burgers on the Sainsbury's web site. I could win a prize. Take a look, it might still be there. I could talk all day about burgers. I've made a few different ones in my time and love to get the BBQ out, along with the pinny and tools that make you feel manly. The one I submitted is made with sun-dried tomatoes and pine nuts, so go and get your hands in that bowl and mould a few shapes. That means you Andy...

Tynemouthing off

Another birthday celebration (the mother) took us to a restaurant in the up and coming area of Tynemouth, my home town. It used to be the renowned AA rosette winning Sydney's, it's been re-invented now and called Brasserie 1883 (that's some bra size). The chef is the award winning Alan O'Kane, who appears to be back in the kitchen cooking excellent food. If the food we had is anything to go by, the awards might be coming their way again. A duck pate and a pork belly, that was my food choice, not my physique. Great tasting food. That's the manager in that photo, not me with a different head on.

There's also a newly managed pub (used to be called The Percy Arms) and eating place called The Priory which is definitely worth a visit. It's got a modern feel and makes you want to take your shoes off and put your feet up. We called in for late drinks and there was live music on. The girl singing playing keyboards, backed by a guitarist had a pure voice and did some unusual twists on some popular songs. I nearly swung my pants on 2 occasions. A good atmosphere but I suppose after a few beers it always seems that way.

Count 40 rings on his forehead if you don't believe me

I have some friends (real ones, not those on facebook), some have just got to the mid-life crisis age of 40 where they think they can still wear muscle vests in the summer. He's pictured here to the right of Harry Potter, looks like a cross between the camp singer from Right Said Fred and a fat Phil Collins. He's holding some money (his favourite subject), as we've all just give him some to get a hair transplant and a personality assessment. We celebrated his 40th at Red Mezze, a turkish restaurant in Newcastle. There's all sorts of small little plates of food you can have, ideal for the birthday boy as he's only 4 foot 2. I had vine leaves, meatballs and the hard-to-refuse pudding, baklava. It was a great night, the lightweight 40 year old even managed a teeny sip of ouzo at the end of the night. He was off to a surprise break in Barcelona the next morning with his woman. The spanish will love him prancing around in his vests eating tapas. I hear they call him "CALVA"....

It's not just camels that have humps

Cow’s are such show offs. All I did was point my camera to take a nice pleasant picture of the curious cows as I went over to their field. But what happened? Well the exhibitionist cow looked me in the eye then mounted the other one right in front of me. It felt like it did when someone reminds you that your parents still do stuff in the bedroom. It was as if the cow was laughing while doing it, with its condescending eyes. I had to walk away in the end, frightened to turn round incase it winked at me (I've spell checked that).


It was good to get a away for the weekend despite the p0rn cows. We stayed at a big farmhouse near the Lake District. There's an outdoor pool 3 mile along the road in a place called Shap. I didn't go in as my posing trunks were left at home and I didn't want to alarm the animals (even though they had alarmed me as I've said). The girlfriend went in though until she couldn't take any more and had to attend to her frozen assets. On the Saturday night, I did the manly thing and cooked on the BBQ. This time it was my turn to wink at those cows as I flipped the meat.

2 Cocktails and a Packet of Crisps

I took the beautiful girlfriend out on Saturday night, not with a baseball bat, but for her young birthday (Happy Birthday - I know you read this religiously). We went off early doors to Nancy Bordello's in Newcastle, sounds like a very camp drag queen act, but it is infact a trendy pub place with modern Victorian decor. Popular with students but they’re all on daddy’s yacht at this time of year so we had lots of space for us tax payers.

A couple of cocktails and a packet of munster munch later we started to head off towards The Grainger Rooms. It's a modern british restaurant that gives you the feeling of being in a house, infact a Georgian house, which it was, so that figures. Sampling the food from local producers was superb; battered whiting with pickled cucumber dip, poached chicken with summer veg and local cheeses for me. For the birthday girl, roe deer, pork with braised carrot and fennel and summer fruit crumble. The chef did a pretty good job working on his own as his staff let him down, doing 43 covers. Pretty impressive for the quality of the food, but not one mention of munster munch crisp sandwich on the menu.

A friend is lost

RIP Ian Wills. A real good friend who sadly recently took his own life. He was part of my group of friends from University and we'd kept in touch for many years. We were just out celebrating 40th birthdays only a couple of months ago. It taught us all a lesson. You never really know someone. Your mind can be your enemy yet it's so precious, it can hold thoughts that no-one would ever know. Our thoughts go out to all who knew him.

Keep your kebab to yourself

I wish I was back in Santorni, a little Greek island we just returned from. What a place, unspoilt by the Brits and the family matching football shirts, very cosmopolitan, beautiful scenery and traditional greek food. It was disturbing to see a lady by the pool resembling Bubbles Devere from Little Britain. She wasn't shy, full bikini, probably made out of an old parachute. I nearly choked on my ouzo when I looked up to see her hanging her parachute up to dry, a towel round her waist (or a marquee), which slipped to reveal her backside. Oh my god, I couldn't breathe, it was like looking at 12 naked turkeys huddled tightly together fearing for their lives. There's no way I was going to try a Greek kebab after this incident.

Anyway, Santorini is a place to go back to and check out for a relaxing holiday, well worth hiring a car like we did to discover the island. This way you get to see the beautiful sunset like in this photo from the southern tip of the island in Faros. If you go on holiday, just make sure you don't sit next to 12 turkeys crammed into an aeroplane seat.

Smack the donkey

When I was a lad back when gay meant happy and the Internet was in black and white, birthdays consisted of pass the parcel and freezing your position when the music stopped. Today, that's changed a little, as well as kids getting tons of presents like another Christmas, they also get the chance to wack a papier-mâché animal until it breaks and reveals sweets, toys and whatever else you care to put in there. It's quite funny to see the young un's blind folded trying to hit a donkey with a rolling pin while blind-folded. It's only matter of time before adults incorporate this into their party nights in the same way they insist on trampolining after a few beers breaking their necks or their kids in order to show how high they can jump while holding a can of Stella. So, maybe in the adult version of piñata you could stuff your paper donkey with condoms, stella, greggs pasties, rubik's cubes and those little plastic party hats with elastic string that cuts through your chin. You never see them anymore - where are they?

How many times can you write the word piccalilli?

A bit of food, a bit of wine and a bit of music. What more do you want? For me, that's a good night out, especially when the food is good and it wasn't bad at The Exchange Bistro. A ham and parsley terrine with piccalilli was better than it sounds. It was moist (love that word) and a nice sharp taste from the piccalilli. Couldn't resist having a rib-eye steak for mains with mushrooms and home made chips, it's a perfect Friday night tea isn't it? I was further impressed with the beautiful lady opposite me tucking into red snapper with mango salsa followed by lamb. She didn't dribble once. The pudding (to share of course) was poor so I'm not going to even mention it, but the maltesers in it would've been better put back in the box and eaten on their own.
With a pretty full stomach it was off to the Magnesia Bank to see a below average band who murdered a Stevie Wonder song, wish I'd saved some piccalilli to throw at them. The saxophonist was really good though so it slightly made up for it.
So, are you hungry after reading this? I am. I'm off to make piccalilli, can't believe the main ingredient is cauliflower - urrrrgh, bad tasting evil brain looking food.

Twas on the 9th June...

I've tried for a few years to do the famous Geordie 10K Blaydon Race and this year I was successful and managed to run it on Tuesday night just short of the winner, Ian Hudspith from Morpeth Harriers (27m 44s - woooh, must've needed the toilet). A good atmosphere and I was surprised to see there were lots of people supporting it all the way with bands and singers right til the finish. You could say all the lads and lasses there all had smiling faces (apart from those who couldn't cross the road to get to the Boyzone concert, probably for the best). I didn't join in with the famous song of course as I was out of breath and it looks embarrassing when you don't know ALL the words and I didn't have enough energy to COUGH at the point where I didn't know the words. Despite this I finished in 54m 30s and collected a t-shirt, a bottle of brooooon ale, a ham and pease pudding stottie and a congratulations kiss from my special girl: all consumed in that order, the order of importance!

Click here for news article.

Get those jockeys off

It's not easy trying to win some money on the horses. I learnt that when I went to Gosforth Races at the weekend. Not one winner though, must be the jockey's fault. There was a weirdo standing next to me with his mates who insisted on telling me I had "sh*t on my shoe". Think he wanted me to cock my leg so he could make fun of my stance, didn't fall for it. My mate won on the last race so we made him pay for the taxi seen as we couldn't go on a horse. That reminds me, a few years ago I had a Xmas party at the racecourse. Like a cheeky drunk geordie I told this girl to meet me outside and we would go and steal a horse. I learnt some time later that she'd stood there most of the night waiting.....funny.

Those Coastal Animals

Druridge Bay on the Northumberland coastline might sound like a sewer works but it's a good place to visit for a long walk along the sand dunes and beach. We went there at the weekend and got to see horses galloping along the beach and some rather suspicious voyeurism-like activity going on in the little pockets of the sand dunes. I know people take their dogs for walks along there but I'm sure it's not called dogging. Staying with the beach, blue skies and sunshine the next day at Tynemouth we didn't see horses, dogs or rotund bald men with binoculars but did see a lilly-white girl rubbing baby oil on her stomach only to find herself later looking like she'd been dipped in red-raw paint stripper. I laughed while I stuck a sausage in my mouth from our little BBQ. Doggers would've loved that. I wonder if doggers are bloggers, best not find out, but I like the rhyme?

Chefs don't always get burns from pans

A top day all round for me on Saturday. A full day cooking and learning with David Hall, Masterchef Finalist and recent award winner (he'll love me for reminding him about that). We'd already agreed on a menu and he got to work showing me techniques, talking about food, other things and getting to try out the dishes before I let the girlfriend sample them for dinner that night.

We started with dressed crab fresh from the North Sea, learning how to get at all that lovely meat and making our own mayonnaise. Truly delicious, well worth the wait after he had texted me 'I've got crabs' the previous day. There was also a seafood salad with razor clams, a pea and leek tart (girlfriends favourite of favourites), herb crusted rack of lamb with vegetables and fondant potatoes and the superb award winning pudding of David's;spiced pumpkin bread pudding. What a treat to cook with him, then cook and eat the food for my girlfriend, I'm such a romantic. She adored the food (and me of course, millions of brownie points).

I stuck a nice dollop of home made ice-cream on the pudding just to end the evening on a cool note. Hope David didn't have too many scratches from his day - nothing to do with the cooking; he locked himself out his house later that day after I went round to fetch the main course lamb he'd inadvertently left my house with. Sometimes you have to go back to your childhood to scale a garage roof, even if you're approaching 40...

T in the street

I had to look twice the other day watching an episode of Coronation Street. Mr. T appears to be walking along the cobbles in the background. He hates flying so he's not on his way to the airport but he could be on route to the hair-port (Audrey's). Coronation Street has been an institution in my family since I was a tiny lad, it's such a great comedy. Listen up fool...

Would you like to see some Llama's?

A trip to the Lake District at the weekend gave us the chance to stay at a farmhouse, eat lots of homely food, drink (of course) and then walk it off along the river and over fields. Saturday night was very funny, a wine and cheese quiz at the local village hall hosted by a sort of crazy hippy Richard and Judy couple. It was based around German wine and food and we didn't have a clue, but by the end of the night, I knew more about how crap German wine actually tastes. I bid £4 for some German salami in the auction. On Sunday we walked past a farmhouse and were invited in to take a look at some Llama's. What happened to the old fashioned phrase - "Would you like to see some puppies?" Anyway, they are weird looking creatures, they look like they've been glued together with body parts from a camel and a giraffe.

Nasty Pasty, Frugal Google

I've just been for a run and passed a Google car with a huge camera on top. There's been a lot of controversy about the way Google is going round the country photographing streets for its street view facility. Some people are saying it's an invasion of privacy. Imagine if you're having an affair and your wife or husband sees you with someone else! Woooo. It's supposed to blur your face, but I took a look at Newcastle quayside and spotted this fella with an un-blurred face. Classic sad photo though, the mandatory staple diet of the North East in a carrier bag! There's a link to 'report a concern' to Google. It would be interesting to report that you're concerned that people eat stuff from Greggs everyday, or that it's also a great advert for Greggs. Oh well, at least it's not a single mother with a push chair and the kid eating a sausage roll out the Greggs paper bag.

Legs n Eggs

Inbetween a few beers, a Japanese meal and an easter egg, I completed the Easter Sunday North Tyneside 10K run. A great day, glorious warm sunshine and the scenic coastal route for 2000 people. I managed to do it in 57 minutes, nowhere near the winner who did it in 31. This photo taken by my girlfriend demonstrates my ability to lift my leg at a perfect right angle.

He's not married to Sally...

This weekend it was the turn of the Live Theatre where we went to support another local comedian, Gavin Webster. We've seen him before, but this time he was much more mellow I thought. He did a lot of local gags which were very funny, including geordie roadsigns and daft short one-liner songs on his ukulele. I reckon he has spurts of genius like his panda routine where he ponders about how extinct they really are, and these are just enough to make you want more. He's done a few things on the telly in his time so watch out, he could be the next geordie voice you hear aside from Ant & Dec or the Big Brother fella.

Nodding dogs are just for the rear windscreen

If they can ban mobile phones in the car why can't they ban dogs too? I queue in the morning traffic, a delight of course, especially when you get the chance to observe other drivers. There's one bloke I see from time to time, drives a sports car, probably smells of lavender, eats quiche for lunch, you know the sort. But what distracts me is his white poodle dog which sits on his lap behind the steering wheel, it's jumping about, spinning round, licking his face, peering out the open window. Urgh, shoot it. Or better still, I'm waiting for its paw to hit the electric window button while it's peering out!