Chef for a day

Well I got the best Xmas present ever this year from the beautiful lady in my life. Masterchef finalist David Hall is going to come round my house and give me some professional cooking advice, let me decide on a 4 course meal to make and be shown all the techniques and how to cook it to perfection. Very exciting, can't wait. Just got to think of four ways to make beans on toast now ;) Of course I will blog it when it all happens.

Shields lasses win awards

Great to see that local South Shields comedian Sarah Millican is starting to make an impact into the national comedy circuit. We went to see her some time ago, you can read about it here. She's just won best newcomer at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, that's a big achievement. Look out for her, starting with an appearance on Have I Got News For You in December. Hopefully it won't be too long before she does a gig near her home town and I can go along.

He's a count...ry boy...

Last night ended up being such a good one, seeing Rich Hall the American comedian, writer and musician. He's often seen on QI, Have I got News For You and performed alongside Jack Dee. He did stand-up in his own ironic style for the first half then stormed the place in the second half with his character based (Otis Lee Crenshaw) pi$$-take out of country songs, playing the keyboard along with his deliberately sombre band. He won an award for this and it's easy to see why. His songs and part improvised songs about women, whisky and members of the audience were pure genius and hilarious. We had such a good night, would see him all over again as long as we can sit somewhere where there wasn't a constant smell of sulphurhuric logs from some fat blokes ass.

Black Sack, Sack Pink!

Look at the size of this Santa I couldn’t help noticing in Manchester above the busy Christmas Markets at the weekend. What a huge sack. Apparently in a previous year Santa could be seen moving up and down. I’m a bit disappointed that I didn’t see him do that, like a perverted pole dancer. By the way, all I want for Xmas is to stop hearing that annoying crap Pink song that sounds like a female version of Keith Allan’s football anthem Vindaloo.

Carr not in top gear

We expected to see a great show when we went along to see Jimmy Carr, the Joke Technician but he just didn't deliver. The funniest people there were the audience with their weird comments and questions. Jimmy kept asking "Have you got any questions?", as if he'd ran out of material and the audience kept asking him "Are you gay?". They must've been getting mixed up with his brother, Alan.

Cooked Butt not cooked

I was kindly invited to go along to HanaHana, a Japanese restaurant where they cook your food on a big hot plate in front of you. The last time I went, the food seemed better I must admit but that time I’d had a bit to drink and would probably think eating the sole of my shoe was nice. This time I got up to do the trick where you put an egg on the hot plate, take one of the spatulas and throw it in the air catching it in your chef’s hat. Sounds hard, but I did it without falling back onto the other hot plate and cooking my butt. Sushi was nice, but the fish didn’t seemed cooked ;)

Tardis makeover

I've never managed to see an episode of the new Dr. Who, but I've just found out that David Tenant is going to be replaced. I got thinking who could take over, and the perfect Time Lord candidate is Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen (not Jim's son), surely. Imagine the cushions in the tardis. I got off the bus the other day and was behind the old Dr Who from my day and took a photo of him just before that ray of light cut him in half!

Comic Black Books

What a great night out it was to go and see Irish comedian Dylan Moran. Genius comedy, a look at the world, relationships and life in general. He wrote and starred in the sitcom Black Books which was just as good. Dylan ate chocolate and sipped on Rose wine while doing his act. What a great job, if only I was funny and could get away with drinking Rose in front of a packed audience.

Andrex curries

Well I continue to get more involved in food, buying local food, cooking with it, writing and reading about it (particularly the new local Flavour magazine). My new cookery course is an Asian one where I learn about and cook Asian food funnily enough. Curries will of course be on the menu for 10 weeks or more. That's a lot of toilet paper.

Mother of all ships

Look at the size of this thing docked in Northumberland Quay in North Shields. It's the QE2 on its last voyage before being converted into a floating hotel and sailing on to Dubai. There were fireworks and deafening horn noises to celebrate as it sailed away up the Tyne. It goes faster backwards than most big ships go forwards. Must be a bugger to reverse park though especially if the captain is female.

Getting to the bottom

It's strange knowing you are at the bottom of the country. It makes it a lot better when the weather in the UK matches what you would expect on a holiday. We were lucky to visit Torquay and Dartmouth for a few days and stay in a great hotel overlooking the sea with hot sunny weather. When I was a child I remember being there when the comedian Jim Davidson was there getting off a boat on the harbour. No celebs this time, just me and Lilly Allen.

Diner Voyeurisme

Been meaning to go to Jesmond Dene House restaurant for a while now so we went along. There's a new French chef there with an unpronounceable name. His food left me speechless. I've been waiting to see a menu with our wonderful pease pudding on so I had to try the scallop wrapped in bacon with pease pudding. Very geordie-french, loved it. Best of all was to follow, a duck breast which melted like candy floss, with a duck leg confit. The service was precise, so it should be as the Frenchman has requested a webcam to see his food arrive at your table.

Pudding times 2

I gave some modern Spanish cuisine a try at Grado restaurant in Manchester at the weekend. Some very clever, delicious, inspiring food, we opted for a tapas so we could keep it coming. Like myself, a good looking dish each time, including the most succulent black pudding (from Spain so the manager told me) I have ever tasted, served with a fried duck egg in a red wine vinegar. It tasted like a really posh breakfast, imagine waking up to that. Our pudding was just as intelligent, a chocolate dome, alcohol poured over it and set alight at our table which peeled back the dome to reveal a chocolate fondant. Wow, just like an adult kinder egg.

There's a hair..y biker in my food

Managed to bump into the Hairy Bikers and David Hall (local Masterchef finalist) at the Linden Hall Food Festival. The bikers are indeed very hairy but down to earth. There was lots of local produce on offer ready for cooking with. Amongst some of the things I bought was some beetroot I cooked with this week, it makes your wee red you know. This photo shows the bikers with a piece of meat they used later in a dish.

Underneath The Arch

In Tynemouth there's a restaurant I've been meaning to try called the Arch. I gave it a go and wasn't disappointed by the food or setting. Its contemporary looks matched the contemporary, arty, locally sourced food. The chef was obviously showing off with his modern british style and included canopies in between courses of smoked eel and a lamb trio. I'll be going back....very soon.

BiG lasses

For a long time, I've tried and failed to find this favourite photo of mine that I had for years then lost. In a shop in York, my girlfriend was browsing through hundreds of photo's on the wall and called me over laughing her big head off at one in particular. I couldn't believe it. Big glasses are not just about Deidre Barlow.

Thong snapped

Finally got a photo of the thong man who insists on running back and forwards along the beach. He must be running away from his red underpants blowing in the wind.

Yeah I know

I dug out this photo from last year, I spotted this fella keeping Little Britain tidy and looking like you know who.

Merton, I've got news for you, get some new chums

Monday night I went to see Paul Merton with his 'Improv Chums'. Nomally I wouldn't go anywhere with Chums in the title. Almost the same as the set I watched at the Sage with Phil Jupitas in March but not as funny. That large fella Mike McShane from Whose Line was there. My ice cream was nice but the man to my left smelt, if you're reading this, get a shower you tramp.

Ironing is for real men

Completing the Iron Man Triathlon in Lanzarote was an amazing achievement..........but not for me. It was hard enough watching it in the sun but imagine the competitors having to endure a 2.4 mile swim in the sea, 112 mile bike ride and a 26 mile marathon. Not for wimps, they started at 7AM and were still coming in at midnight as we watched from a restaurant on The Strip. The photo is of the winner Bert Jammaer from Belgium who did it in 8hrs 59.

Maybe he had crabs

While I was running along the beach, I saw an old man running as well, only he was dressed in a thong. Unfortunatley I didn't have my phone with me to take a photo. Here's a photo of the amazing beach I sometimes run along though. Who needs to be on holiday?

Whose Wipe is it Anyway?

Stayed in an 'organic hotel' in Grasmere, Lake District at weekend, good views of the Pennines and room was great. I was a bit dubious about the toilet paper, looked like (and felt like) it had been recycled, wonder who used it before me? I asked the hotel manager if the food had been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals, he said no you'll have to do that yourself. The photo I took is of Grasmere lake. "The loveliest spot that man hath ever found".

Running cold

Easter Sunday last year was glorious sunshine as I completed a 10K run along the coast. This time, it was snowing, 2 degrees and a cutting wind. Still managed to complete it and thoroughly enjoyed it. A special person was there to greet me at the end, it made me run faster.

Domain scam

A family member was contacted by a so called domain name provider who said they had a persistent man on the phone wishing to purchase a lot of domains based on my relative's company name. My relative contacted me and I quickly worked out it was a scam. IServeUK are the dodgy company who prey on businesses getting them to buy up domains before the 'incessant man' buys them all. A list of scammers can be found at http://www.domainscams.co.uk/ and you can report them to Nominet.

Phoenix night out

Continuing the comedy theme, went to see Dave Spikey last night (Jerry from Phoenix nights), an old style club comedian with real funny stories, sayings and observations. He reckons he convinced his old slow school friend that he should become a binman as they only work one day a week. He ended the night playing us ridiculous lyrics we all know from popular songs but took the pi$$ out of them. Very funny man.

Girls can be funny too

To mark the end of the Newcastle Gateshead Comedy Festival I went along to a couple of shows. The best one was the improvisation set with 5 people including Phil Jupitas and Steve Frost. A bit like Whose Line Is It Anyway, with audience participation, this was brilliant and very funny. The last sketch was manic where they did voices for each other while onboard a ship (not a real one). The second show, local comics including Gavin Webster, the award-winning Sarah Millican and Richard Morton performed to a small audience. Sarah came out best with her dry humour, a girl to look out for. Girls can be funny too, they scare some men though.

My ar$e, chase me

Can you remember Duncan Norvelle? If I said 'Chase Me', you might remember this as his catchphrase. A very camp comedian who appeared with Ricky Tomlinson (plays Jim Royle in The Royle Family) who we went to see at the weekend. I used to cringe at Duncan on TV but he was actually very funny, even when getting a huge bald builder up from the audience and making him skip across the stage. Ricky was also good with his down to earth funny stories from the past. Some woman behind me had a ridiculous laugh that sounded like a high pitched car starting and that made us laugh more. A great night out though.

Can't cook, won't cook it all

Not sure how Kublai Khan can live up to its 'restaurant' status, when it makes you queue for food, pick your veg & raw meat from a tupperware, then take it to be cooked. Not much skill required there, may as well put it in the microwave. Pretty sure they deliberately forget to put noodles/rice on the plate after you've left it with them for cooking and they also take some food off your plate. This was consistent in our party, so watch out for it.

Too many cooks...

Been learning cooking techniques for Italian, Indian and Moroccan at my world food cookery class. The hype surrounding cooking at the moment is starting to annoy me though. All the cooking programs, people talking about it, how good they are, what new over the top kitchen gadgets they have...la..la..la. Anyway, it's a good thing I suppose as it hopefully means people are looking after what they eat more. I'll just continue to enjoy cooking as I always have so I'm off to watch that cooking program and order a pan with a Wi-Fi lid.

Don't be trampled on

My girlfriend reckons there are loads of tramps in Leeds. If you're a tramp reading this, please email me and I'll do a count to confirm the claim. Actually, if you are a tramp, how can you afford broadband? Or is it that you're in an Internet Cafe with those holy gloves, sorry to stereotype? I'm told there was one tramp earning thousands each week before some none-homeless people decided to try their hand at it. It's only a matter of time before Tesco get hold of this money making scheme. Beggars sometimes rely on drunk people, one drunk fella went to a cashpoint, withdrew £100, then gave it to a tramp. Stupidity, or kindness?

Happy 'Nan' day

Visited York at the weekend for my birthday. I won't bore you with history and 'Minster' photos. A beautiful place and a fantastic curry from Akbars, where they hang HUGE nan breads up on hooks on your table and they taste great. Thanks to my girlfriend for that and she got 10 waiters to sing "Happy Birthday" to me for a laugh. Look closely at that photo, I stayed on the bus obviously.

Old Macdonald had a gig

Went to another gig, this time Scottish singer songwriter Amy Macdonald who is exploding onto the music scene. Her music isn't my normal listening material but it was still enjoyable and she got a great response. She played guitar, my mate played the gooseberry.

If I was...

I was reluctant to go see Midge Ure live in concert in case it felt like I was trying to relive my youth and be the equivalent of those fans who now follow Take That. But, I went along to his acoustic set and was blown away by it. Some great versions of his old hits, Vienna, If I was, Dancing with Tears in my Eyes and David Bowie's Man Who Saved The World. His hair might've faded to (balding) grey but his talent hasn't faded.

Little Chef

I've been told I'm a really good cook many times. I love food and cooking and have done for years. So now I'm doing a 10 week cookery course where I learn techniques and food from all around the world. It's Italy this week. Maybe one day I'll rub shoulders with Ainsley and punch him right in the crockpot.

Raval in it

If you're ever in Gateshead/Newcastle quayside, go to Raval Indian restaurant. The food is amazing, subtle flavours, menu choice is simple, service superb. A new place to watch. A place with a difference in an old listed building. My girlfriend left a tip, see photo!

On the buses

My girlfriend just passed her driving test. Congratulations.