Eshott, it's in earshot

I almost forgot to blog what was my birthday treat a few weeks ago. It was a surprise, a tradition for birthdays in the household. We went for a weekend, not too far away, to Eshott Hall in Northumberland. A pretty romantic place if you fancy taking your woman, man or mother-in-law there. It's recently been refurbished, is an amazing place with a pretty impressive hallway and bedrooms. The food as always was another reason for our stay there and it was pretty lush, we ate there both nights. The chef showed off a few times with an Irn-Bru sorbet palette cleanser, and some fantastic meat and game dishes.

We managed to visit Warkwarth Castle, brave the strong winds on their beach and take a look around Alnwick. There were lots of people on the streets and shops talking about the Royals coming to Alnwick that day. I thought they were talking about Ricky Tomlinson and Caroline Ahern but it turns out that Kate thingyboby who Prince William is marrying has a sister who was getting married there that day. Yawn.

Back at the hall, was such a good choice by the girlfriend, hope she gets it right next year too. No pressure.

Line Off? You can f$*k off.

I'm back online after some problems and pure incompetence with my ISP suddenly cutting off my broadband. It took two weeks to explain to the 'foreign staff' that my broadband was not working and it's nothing to do with my browser, my router, my wiring or my wallpaper on the walls. As I said from the start, there must be an exchange problem. So a few engineers later, they found the problem after declaring that the line had no problem. It was in the exchange. Incompetent bstads.

So my advice is that if you find yourself being told that your line has been tested and there is nothing wrong, question it. Why? Because your ISP might not actually have the equipment and facility to to test your line from your local exchange. I found this out with my ISP. They might just lie to get you off the phone and 'escalate' the call to the next level.

Valentine Entendre menu

Every year for Valentine I like to push my love boat out. While that might shock you, it's getting bigger each year. What am I talking about? My surprise 3 course dinner of course. This year the menu was called 'Remembering Oz'. It was influenced from things popular over there and the food we tried.

You may say Valentine would be the worse time to have crabs. Not in our house. Local crabs from our fish market, ripped apart with my hands and that hammer I keep in my handbag. I pulled my meat out and made them into Vietnamese style crab cakes and served it with mango, lime and avocado salad.

After this delight, the main course involved another favourite food phrase of mine. The lamb shank. Never have a lamb shank on your own, give one to the Mrs. That's what I did. Actually I slow cooked them in a madras sauce and served them with an Ethiopian flatbread, topped with crispy shallots. Pretty god damn delicious if you ask me or her.

Now the fun part. Pudding. It was based on nuts. I chopped my nuts carefully, and put them into a chocolate tart, homemade pastry of course. They were macadamia nuts, they love them in Oz. I decided to accompany it with a homemade lemon and lime bitters sorbet. Lemon & Lime bitters is a popular refreshing drink over there and my Valentine's face lit up when she tasted it. I think she was in shock though, too many entendres is enough for one night.

Face to face with Steve Irwin's killer

It seems like a long time ago now but in the interests of keeping a diary like blog, I feel I must write a little bit about new year in Oz. So look away now if you are bored or have a naked lady to see to.

New year was spent in the centre of Adelaide, a chilled out city just right for us older fellas. Some time ago we'd booked a restaurant, Red Ochre Grill overlooking the river for the midnight fireworks. It was such a good setting, well worth the wait. Fancy food, fancy wine and fancy footwork, not from me, just the Aussies trying to do Auld Lang Syne.

The next few days starting off 2011 were to be relaxing ones before coming back to the UK. We managed to stumble onto a namesake beach along from another beach, Normanville named after my late father. Speaking of stumbling, I also managed to stand on a stingray, the famous fish that finished off Steve Irwin. Irwin would've been proud the way I fought it off by running like the wind back to shore. On the same beach, we saw dolphins and were shat on by some invisible creatures who think it's funny to leave a blob of mustard on your face. Despite this, this was officially our favourite beach of all, Mediterranean, white sand, clear turquoise water. Port Willunga beach, lush.

During all of this, we were staying at McLaren Vale, a wine region, right in the thick of it. It was recommended to use by someone who had heard it through the grapevines. A superb log cabin, The Producers Retreat with a Japanese bath and lots of homely touches. Even Alan the kangaroo started to relax while taking a bath with a glass of wine.

Soon, we were coming home. We've never been on such a great holiday, hard to return to the UK. You can understand why people emigrate, especially when you come back to sub-zero temparatures, roads riddled with pot holes, extraordinary traffic queues, ridiculous fuel prices and a workplace living in the past. Oh god it sounds so bad, now where's that visa...

The hills are alive with the sound of hic...hic

It's got to be said that my favourite bit of our Australia trip was to come; in and around Adelaide. We travelled there passing through Mount Gambia where the No.1 tourist spot is the Blue Lake. Take a look at the photo, there's been no retouching, it's the "bluest" water we have ever seen and not a shopping centre in sight.

It was a special feeling coming into the Adelaide hills for the first time just before new year. We went straight to Mount Lofty (which sounds like an instruction if you're unfortunately called Lofty). From here, there is an incredible view point where you can see the centre of Adelaide and everything around it. A single photo does not do it justice.

We stayed in the hills for one night in Hahndorf, a German food and wine town, sampled some great food and some lush wines at the cellar door. And not a German or towel in sight although I did hold a few sausages in my hand. Sometimes you've just got to put your feet up and send the Shiela off to get some Coopers Ale to drink round the pool in a stubby. What a lovely sight, isn't she hot. Well it was 35 degrees.

It was New Year's Eve now and the temperature was 41 degrees. The bush fire alert system was set to "catastrophic' because of the wind and temperature. Planes overhead; Aussie's talking about the threat on street corners. So, we joined in with the panic and went to a winery to sample some more wine, bought a bottle or two, then fled the bush. The last bush alert I was involved in was on a Saturday night in Sunderland.

So what do Aussies call thongs?

The Great Ocean Road. There's one in the UK, South Shields, my birthplace. There's one in Australia on the south east coast. But which one is best? There's only one way to find out. Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Actually, the way to find out is to drive along it. South Shields Ocean Road is about half a mile long. The one in Oz is 151 miles long and not one Indian restaurant in sight. It's an amazing breathtaking journey and there's plenty places to stay along the way to break up your journey. There's even a place called the Grotto like you find on South Shields coast.

The most spectacular part of the journey for us was the 12 Apostles, a collection of sticky up rock stacks, each with their own name. Another similarity to South Shields coast where you will find one called Marsden Rock. What a sight to see them from the ground and in the air as we took advantage of a Xmas present helicopter ride. I had my own names for them of course, especially the phallic ones. I wanted to call one Alan but with having a kangaroo called that it felt wrong. I wish I'd named one after him as he looked a bit sad in this photo despite the view from his apartment.

During the journey I looked twice above me to see a Koala. Not in the car, but in a tree. My life wouldn't be worth living if I hadn't slammed on the brakes, swerved to miss 17 Chinese people with cameras and park up to take a photo.

So if you find yourself in South Shields, do the Ocean Road, see the Grotto, the Marsden Rock and eat an Indian curry. If you find yourself in Australia, do the same with less clothes on wearing flip-flops. They call them thongs in Oz by the way, which sounds weird when an Aussie mentions they have brown stuff on their thong.

Christmas at Phil's

Well celebrating Christmas in the sun on the beach is definitely an experience we should all try. What a great Christmas we (and Alan the Kangaroo) spent on Phillip Island in Australia. Staying in a cute little cottage 10 metres from the beach is a hell of a treat. It just means you don't have to have a wee in the sea because it's so quick to walk back to your Ozbog.

I was chef on Christmas day and I decided to do a stereotypical meal. Shrimps on the barbie with homemade sweet chilli dip and kangaroo steaks. Huge prawns the size of Alan the Kangaroo and his cousin cooked rare on the BBQ, served with sweet potato mash, roasted veg and a shallot sauce. It tasted of Christmas too, kangaroo steaks are really good, well worth a try.

I never knew how high a kangaroo could jump until I caught Alan the Kangaroo having an absolute wail of a time on the beach on the festive day. Look at the way he celebrated by launching himself in the air on the beach.