Just waiting for a man in the park

By the title of this post, you may have got here by either googling "I'm a single depressed woman, drinking gin" or "I'm new to dogging" or even 'Hi, I'm George Michael'. If you are one of those, you will be disappointed by the post so you might want to hit the back button.

I'm talking about the picture of that sad lonely, so-called BBQ. We went along to Centre Parcs again for our first real family holiday. Alongside the cabin you have your own patio and BBQ area. It's not a real man's BBQ though. Ruled by the Health and Safety laws we now operate in, you have to buy an actual disposable BBQ to put on top of the non-purpose fake built in BBQ. Hilarious. Suppose it stops the possibility of a massive fire that would probably rip through the whole forest and burn everything from red squirrels to oversized-greedy-fat-people-who-are-there-to-convince-themselves-it-is-an-active-holiday.

Aside from this observation, we all had a great holiday especially the little one who just loved being pulled in a trailer everywhere by my bike. The cabin was spotless, sunshine was there most days and the food was incredible (self-catered). It's the second visit to Centre Parcs, never thought I would like it, but I do. Won't be long before I like caravans too.

How can you get there if parts of Rhodes are invisible?

It's been a while since visiting the Greek island of Rhodes, so with a week to go we booked it, packed it.....off. We headed to the town of Afantou which apparently means invisible, however it was clearly there, on the map AND in real life. The view from our balcony over the sea, it's long pebbled beaches and the winding mountains proved it all existed.

We did a good job of ignoring the bingo night, useless reps and desperate couples who've got no conversation themselves and look for you to hook up with. Instead, we went into the small town to seek out real Greek food. We found it in every restaurant we visited too. We also discovered a gem which was half-Greek-half-English (a bit like Prince Philip), called Sergios. They specialise in home-made pasta and pizza though, not traditional Greek but they did a very good job of putting a smile on our faces as we stuffed it with dough balls, pizza, pasta and Greek wine.

So after a great relaxing holiday, the going home saga began. At 2:30AM, we were picked up by the bus, taken to the airport and told "as you know there is a 7 hour delay". We didn't know, but we knew now. Thanks Thomas Cook, you are very informative. It ended up being a much longer delay in the airport with a 12 euro voucher to buy an old looking sandwich from the war. We were eventually flown home on an antique rented french plane where the only way on and off was from stairs at the back of the plane (recently featured on Channel 4's Plane Crash). The arm rests were stuck on with gaffer tape, not sure what the wings were stuck on with.

Put big light on

There's been a bit of a dip in my posts recently due to moving house and going through an adoption process (to adopt, not to be adopted in case you wish to adopt me). So let's try and get back on track and continue with a post that has been in my drafts for a while:-

I keep hearing Peter Kay's voice in my head saying; "Put big light on". It's because I've been involved in lighthouses not so long ago. Yes, I know this sounds weird but you should try it. When I say try it, if you live local, give one of the coastal lighthouses a visit. We went along to St. Mary's in Whitley Bay. I've been around it and finished there for 10K runs but never actually been inside it. What a view of the coast you get from the top after a breathless ascent up the 137 steps.

The best lighthouse though is the one we stayed in near Whitby, right on a cliff. Very romantic, the kind of place you'd take the special person in your life, or your wife or girlfriend even! You can wake up to amazing views of the sea, fishing boats, sea birds and the sunrise. You can walk naked inside the lighthouse cottage without anyone noticing although it did cross my mind that some of those ships probably had pervert binocular wearers. The actual light works and comes on automatically at night and is a great sight to see while you stand outside listening to the silence of the sea.


So if that hasn't got you in a romantic mood, then maybe you should go and visit a nice shiny lighthouse. Failing that just get her some Esso flowers.

Face to face with Steve Irwin's killer

It seems like a long time ago now but in the interests of keeping a diary like blog, I feel I must write a little bit about new year in Oz. So look away now if you are bored or have a naked lady to see to.

New year was spent in the centre of Adelaide, a chilled out city just right for us older fellas. Some time ago we'd booked a restaurant, Red Ochre Grill overlooking the river for the midnight fireworks. It was such a good setting, well worth the wait. Fancy food, fancy wine and fancy footwork, not from me, just the Aussies trying to do Auld Lang Syne.

The next few days starting off 2011 were to be relaxing ones before coming back to the UK. We managed to stumble onto a namesake beach along from another beach, Normanville named after my late father. Speaking of stumbling, I also managed to stand on a stingray, the famous fish that finished off Steve Irwin. Irwin would've been proud the way I fought it off by running like the wind back to shore. On the same beach, we saw dolphins and were shat on by some invisible creatures who think it's funny to leave a blob of mustard on your face. Despite this, this was officially our favourite beach of all, Mediterranean, white sand, clear turquoise water. Port Willunga beach, lush.

During all of this, we were staying at McLaren Vale, a wine region, right in the thick of it. It was recommended to use by someone who had heard it through the grapevines. A superb log cabin, The Producers Retreat with a Japanese bath and lots of homely touches. Even Alan the kangaroo started to relax while taking a bath with a glass of wine.

Soon, we were coming home. We've never been on such a great holiday, hard to return to the UK. You can understand why people emigrate, especially when you come back to sub-zero temparatures, roads riddled with pot holes, extraordinary traffic queues, ridiculous fuel prices and a workplace living in the past. Oh god it sounds so bad, now where's that visa...

The hills are alive with the sound of hic...hic

It's got to be said that my favourite bit of our Australia trip was to come; in and around Adelaide. We travelled there passing through Mount Gambia where the No.1 tourist spot is the Blue Lake. Take a look at the photo, there's been no retouching, it's the "bluest" water we have ever seen and not a shopping centre in sight.

It was a special feeling coming into the Adelaide hills for the first time just before new year. We went straight to Mount Lofty (which sounds like an instruction if you're unfortunately called Lofty). From here, there is an incredible view point where you can see the centre of Adelaide and everything around it. A single photo does not do it justice.

We stayed in the hills for one night in Hahndorf, a German food and wine town, sampled some great food and some lush wines at the cellar door. And not a German or towel in sight although I did hold a few sausages in my hand. Sometimes you've just got to put your feet up and send the Shiela off to get some Coopers Ale to drink round the pool in a stubby. What a lovely sight, isn't she hot. Well it was 35 degrees.

It was New Year's Eve now and the temperature was 41 degrees. The bush fire alert system was set to "catastrophic' because of the wind and temperature. Planes overhead; Aussie's talking about the threat on street corners. So, we joined in with the panic and went to a winery to sample some more wine, bought a bottle or two, then fled the bush. The last bush alert I was involved in was on a Saturday night in Sunderland.

So what do Aussies call thongs?

The Great Ocean Road. There's one in the UK, South Shields, my birthplace. There's one in Australia on the south east coast. But which one is best? There's only one way to find out. Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Actually, the way to find out is to drive along it. South Shields Ocean Road is about half a mile long. The one in Oz is 151 miles long and not one Indian restaurant in sight. It's an amazing breathtaking journey and there's plenty places to stay along the way to break up your journey. There's even a place called the Grotto like you find on South Shields coast.

The most spectacular part of the journey for us was the 12 Apostles, a collection of sticky up rock stacks, each with their own name. Another similarity to South Shields coast where you will find one called Marsden Rock. What a sight to see them from the ground and in the air as we took advantage of a Xmas present helicopter ride. I had my own names for them of course, especially the phallic ones. I wanted to call one Alan but with having a kangaroo called that it felt wrong. I wish I'd named one after him as he looked a bit sad in this photo despite the view from his apartment.

During the journey I looked twice above me to see a Koala. Not in the car, but in a tree. My life wouldn't be worth living if I hadn't slammed on the brakes, swerved to miss 17 Chinese people with cameras and park up to take a photo.

So if you find yourself in South Shields, do the Ocean Road, see the Grotto, the Marsden Rock and eat an Indian curry. If you find yourself in Australia, do the same with less clothes on wearing flip-flops. They call them thongs in Oz by the way, which sounds weird when an Aussie mentions they have brown stuff on their thong.

Christmas at Phil's

Well celebrating Christmas in the sun on the beach is definitely an experience we should all try. What a great Christmas we (and Alan the Kangaroo) spent on Phillip Island in Australia. Staying in a cute little cottage 10 metres from the beach is a hell of a treat. It just means you don't have to have a wee in the sea because it's so quick to walk back to your Ozbog.

I was chef on Christmas day and I decided to do a stereotypical meal. Shrimps on the barbie with homemade sweet chilli dip and kangaroo steaks. Huge prawns the size of Alan the Kangaroo and his cousin cooked rare on the BBQ, served with sweet potato mash, roasted veg and a shallot sauce. It tasted of Christmas too, kangaroo steaks are really good, well worth a try.

I never knew how high a kangaroo could jump until I caught Alan the Kangaroo having an absolute wail of a time on the beach on the festive day. Look at the way he celebrated by launching himself in the air on the beach.

If Kate had an Oz garden would it be Kate's Bush?

Driving from New South Wales state to Vitoria state in Ozland was a real treat. The roads are clear and the scenery amazing so the sheer mileage didn't matter. Especially with in-car music from Men At Work and Crowded House. There's so many reminder signs on the road side to take a break from driving. Feeling drowsy, pullover. Microsleep kills. Tired eyes? Have a powernap. Personally I think it's dangerous to have a powernap while driving so I kept awake while we travelled from Eden to Lakes Entrance on the south east coast. We passed black trees from the worst bush fires from last year. It's hard to believe that the roads we travelled on were melting as people tried to escape.

Alan the Kangaroo really got into the swing of things at Lakes Entrance in Victoria. We stayed in a log cabin with Alan, along with the token BBQ, lots of bush and strange sounding animals outside. I still can't look anyone in the eye when they talk about the bush though. All those adjectives they use, like, thick black bush. It's just hard to keep a straight face.

Roo spotted having a beer

After driving along the east coast from Sydney we ended up at a place called Mollymook. What a great place to stay, right on the beach. Total contrast from the city life around Sydney, this was a chilled out place where a few surfers would gather. I managed a run along the long beach in total contrast to Tynemouth a few days before as you can see from the photos.

We caught Alan the Kangaroo having a beer by the pool overlooking the beach just after I'd put a few things on the Ozzie BBQ. He's so cool, his cape keeps him in the shade in the hot sun.

How's it going? (It's Ozzie for Areeet)

Sydney, Australia is an amazing city. It's got everything you want. City life, good weather, good food and loads of beautiful beaches a small ride away. We went along to the famous Bondi beach where they show off surfing and looking beautiful. I fitted into the latter category of course. Take a look at Alan the Kangaroo at Bondi beach just soaking up the atmosphere, he goes brown so quickly. He had sunburn so we put a cape round him.

With such an American influence on the culture, Sydney was mobbed by fans for Oprah Winfrey who was doing one of her pointless shows at the Sydney Opera House. They ruined the Harbour Bridge by putting a massive 'O' hanging from it and lighting it up. I think it was to represent the size of her stomach, to scale.

I now know why it's called a pelican crossing, I took this photo in Sydney at a Fish Market. A proper fish market with loads of choice from fresh lobsters to huge prawns. I bought a Barramandi and cooked it for the girls. They loved it, I loved it.

Turkey before Xmas? That's not right.

Visiting Turkey some years ago with friends was a right laugh (you know who you are) but the place was poor and I thought I'd never go back. However, a celebration, a 40th birthday took us there the other week to Icmeler and it was great. There were 36 of us! We took up a third of the plane and had our own coach to and from the airport. For the first time we were lucky to have a great view from our large balcony.

The all-inclusive resort allowed us to sample beer, spirits and food all day. Think we got our money's worth. I nicknamed the restaurant the 'canteen of death' as you could literally eat yourself to death. Some larger individuals were giving it a right good go, I caught one singing while in the queue for the free nosh, like a kid in a sweetie shop I reckon.

The birthday night saw us all wear 'Dawny is 40' t-shirts to the surprise of the birthday girl (see photo) who'd spent £200 on a new dress to wear. She had to pull a t-shirt over it to join in. The Germans around us were pretty confused, I can't remember seeing any of them smile though apart from when they claimed their sunbeds. That's my brother in this photo too, not a German although he did used to speak German in his sleep when he was younger.

Now I just had to take a photo of this satellite dish I passed. I'm guessing they show gay porn or something on this channel. Uncanny that on the holiday to Turkey a number of years ago a man selling his wares on the beach would shout 'Arrrrrrsmeat'. There must be a link.