Get your ramekins out

Nice to see that NewcastleGateshead are still making an effort with their EAT Food Festival. This year we decided to go to the Launch Party to see what it was all about. It was fairly mediocre really, a free drink or two, free food cooked by the local Masterchef Pro finalists and an over excited orange Geordie compare. The BBQ wasn't working properly and I wasn't convinced my pork sausage was cooked so I left for the dogs of Newcastle. Not what you expect at the start of a food festival. However, a few cocktails, a good band and liquorice ice cream later it was time to go and take a piece of the huge cake left for the party go-ers.

The highlight for me was the following day. We got to cook with Terry Laybourne, the local chef and entrepreneur. He was a canny bloke, down to earth. We cooked cheese & spinach souffle in the middle of Fenwick store. I enjoyed seeing old ladies with puzzled faces as I whisked my egg whites, wearing a pinny, sticking my tongue out. We got to eat the souffle, served with cream, light and fluffy, just like my feet.

The glasses got hitched

Luckily after the stag weekend in Glasgow, the wedding was still going ahead and it was wedding fever weekend as the Royal Wedding was the day before. Andy & Helen decided to get hitched in Edinburgh where the sun shone brightly all day. As Best Man, my duties were simply to make sure Andy had clean underpants on, was sober enough to slur 'I do', his glasses were on straight and I held onto his ring. Speaking of holding rings, it was appropriate as the bride decided to give Andy a scare by being 45 mins late, a problem with the dress they say, but I think the modern way now is for the bride to go off to the pub or hot dog van before the ceremony. (In Australia, we caught a bride doing exactly that!)

The speeches all went down well at Norton House Hotel after spending time outside in the bright sunshine drinking Pimms and listening to the harpist. Andy had even asked me to do a quiz in keeping with the horse racing theme. Great idea. There was some serious contestants wanting to do anything to win.

We all had a great day and I reckon the bride and groom did. I can't believe I spotted how much the groom looked like Harry Potter in his younger days from the photos on the wall. Some great touches too, especially the post box with my nickname on it, the life-like cake decorations and the fireworks!

Of course those Harry Potter glasses came out again during the party night, they get you noticed. Here are me and the boys with the perfect geek-chick-freak look.

So congratulations to the married couple, A & H. May the marriage flourish. One bit of advice to Andy: When you make love, make sure you talk to eachother.....as long as there is a phone handy ;)

Public whipping

The last time I visited Glasgow was for my birthday but I looked forward to going again to be best man for my round-glassed mate Andy and make him safe during his stag do. Not much planning needed from me really as the groom with the clipboard and military itinerary had everything under control, even the statistics of preferred lap-dancers.

Off the train, to the hotel to change into our costumes which consisted of fruit-pastel coloured jockey T-Shirts and hats. It felt good to look ridiculous since the last time I dressed up but I was glad I wasn't the groom as he had the full jockey outfit on including whip and boots. I'm pretty sure he already had the whip and boots, he seemed so comfortable in them. A confident man in boots. I suppose anyone carrying a whip will have confidence, even his walk was very much in the style of a man with a purpose.

So in all our glory we trotted off to Ayr races to win absolutely bot-all on the horses. It didn't matter as it was such a good laugh, becoming the centre of attraction for all the ladies wishing to get their photos taken and caress Andy's whip. It's amazing how those ladies managed to actually look more like the horses than the horses running.

A few drinks later it was time to go straight to the Glasgow night life and see if we could understand any Scottish accents at the Comedy Club. The Scottish accent is just one big blur and even more so under the influence so most people resorted to sign-language and shouting. Infact some people from other groups did a lot of shouting and talking during the comedian performances. They were slowly told to leave over a period of about an hour through heckling and basic put downs from the stand up. We all agreed they were arseholes by clapping them out of the venue.

Without the costumes this time we still got noticed. It must have been the 15 jam-jar glasses we all wore. Towards the end of the night things seemed much easier in those glasses, the world made more sense. Passers-by didn't judge you for looking disabled. I put this down to the fact that a lot of hard-nosed Glaswegians do actually look retarded. For that reason I felt as comfortable as Andy did wearing his long black slender boots.

Overall a great time and great way to celebrate. Being best man meant I could call all the shots though I'm not one to make a fool of the groom, he managed that himself.

Egg and spoon without the egg or spoon

The North Tyneside 10K run I do every year turned out to be a hot and sunny one on Easter Sunday. My time was slower than last year by a minute or so (57m 40s) but that didn't matter as you never get sick of such great scenery. It's not just that scenery to look at though as this year I saw a man from a stag party wearing a green mankini coming out the sea. Also, sitting watching the race on a park bench, a row of hungover lads, with a huge cuddly toy in the middle. Only in the North East...

The girlfriend's family were at the end to see me 'race' to the finish line so I had to make sure I looked good. As always, there are some photos to go towards proving I do the race every year.

Eshott, it's in earshot

I almost forgot to blog what was my birthday treat a few weeks ago. It was a surprise, a tradition for birthdays in the household. We went for a weekend, not too far away, to Eshott Hall in Northumberland. A pretty romantic place if you fancy taking your woman, man or mother-in-law there. It's recently been refurbished, is an amazing place with a pretty impressive hallway and bedrooms. The food as always was another reason for our stay there and it was pretty lush, we ate there both nights. The chef showed off a few times with an Irn-Bru sorbet palette cleanser, and some fantastic meat and game dishes.

We managed to visit Warkwarth Castle, brave the strong winds on their beach and take a look around Alnwick. There were lots of people on the streets and shops talking about the Royals coming to Alnwick that day. I thought they were talking about Ricky Tomlinson and Caroline Ahern but it turns out that Kate thingyboby who Prince William is marrying has a sister who was getting married there that day. Yawn.

Back at the hall, was such a good choice by the girlfriend, hope she gets it right next year too. No pressure.

Line Off? You can f$*k off.

I'm back online after some problems and pure incompetence with my ISP suddenly cutting off my broadband. It took two weeks to explain to the 'foreign staff' that my broadband was not working and it's nothing to do with my browser, my router, my wiring or my wallpaper on the walls. As I said from the start, there must be an exchange problem. So a few engineers later, they found the problem after declaring that the line had no problem. It was in the exchange. Incompetent bstads.

So my advice is that if you find yourself being told that your line has been tested and there is nothing wrong, question it. Why? Because your ISP might not actually have the equipment and facility to to test your line from your local exchange. I found this out with my ISP. They might just lie to get you off the phone and 'escalate' the call to the next level.

Valentine Entendre menu

Every year for Valentine I like to push my love boat out. While that might shock you, it's getting bigger each year. What am I talking about? My surprise 3 course dinner of course. This year the menu was called 'Remembering Oz'. It was influenced from things popular over there and the food we tried.

You may say Valentine would be the worse time to have crabs. Not in our house. Local crabs from our fish market, ripped apart with my hands and that hammer I keep in my handbag. I pulled my meat out and made them into Vietnamese style crab cakes and served it with mango, lime and avocado salad.

After this delight, the main course involved another favourite food phrase of mine. The lamb shank. Never have a lamb shank on your own, give one to the Mrs. That's what I did. Actually I slow cooked them in a madras sauce and served them with an Ethiopian flatbread, topped with crispy shallots. Pretty god damn delicious if you ask me or her.

Now the fun part. Pudding. It was based on nuts. I chopped my nuts carefully, and put them into a chocolate tart, homemade pastry of course. They were macadamia nuts, they love them in Oz. I decided to accompany it with a homemade lemon and lime bitters sorbet. Lemon & Lime bitters is a popular refreshing drink over there and my Valentine's face lit up when she tasted it. I think she was in shock though, too many entendres is enough for one night.