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She would walk 84 miles and she would walk 84 more

2011-09-02T09:34:00.000+01:00

It's not all about me in these posts although I like it that way as I'm sure you do. This time, I'm going to blog about the Mrs who has undergone a huge achievement. Along with her sisters, she was determined many months ago to walk 84 miles across the width of Britain, following Hadrian's wall. Not to be taken lightly, as some people do and end up dropping out (1 sister down after 1 day), she trained every week walking with a heavy backpack, filled with stilettos, handbags, chocolate and a big photo of me.

During the training her toenail came loose and was hanging on by a slither. I joined her on an 18 mile walk, she set a canny pace for an old man like me with a plastic hip. Other various leg related injuries and physio sessions later she was ready to go, excited, apprehensive and nervous about putting in the mileage in those stilettos. The trip was over 4 days, staying at various bunk houses. They met people on the way who were lazy, doing it over 6 days, and getting all their bags carried by a nice big van. They were southerners though; all the gear, no idea.

And my job in all this? To simply take down a tent on the last day and take a bit of food for their journey from Harlow Hill. It took me 40 minutes to drive there, it took the girls 7½ hours to get back. 18½ miles, that is good going.

It was awesome to see her at the end of the wall (Wallsend - so aptly named) coming round the corner with her two sticks, tanned face and forced smile, not looking a day over 30. It was extremely tough, exhausting and such an amazing achievement. No doubt she is planning the next one, just as she is now resting after catching an infection in her toe and foot!

She's 30, you really wouldn't think it but she's 30

2011-08-20T16:42:00.009+01:00

We couldn't have asked for a better day for the Mrs' 30th Birthday the other week. I've just got round to blogging it now after preparing 3 types of home made burgers, curry pies, Cumberland pies, corned beef pies, la la la. The sun shone on the beach with views of the castle, pier and sea, which was great seen as it was a beach party with a man size BBQ, a bouncy castle, music, pimms and friends and family.

The star of the show knocked me out on how gorgeous she looked and managed to get loads of presents some of which we are still drinking. We got snapped together in some unusual poses as the party moved indoors.

It was difficult to get up at 7AM and go tidy Tynemouth Rowing Club where it all kicked off but it was so worth it. This was the day of Andrea's birthday so the sun shone again and we had a few more beers along the Newcastle Quayside just to top up the alcohol.

What a Burke and what a Knight we had Scouting For Girls

2011-07-18T08:17:00.010+01:00

We now feel like regulars to the Mouth of The Tyne Festival. Last year the highlights were the concerts from James Morrison and The Lightning Seeds. This year we got to see 2 hot looking ladies. Yes, that's right French & Saunders. Nah, it was Alexander Burke and Beverly Knight (not pictured in the foreground), but from a distance you could confuse them I suppose. Actually we were fairly close to the stage. I was more impressed with Beverly Knight, she has a great soul voice and puts on a good show.

Scouting for Girls headlined the second night and they were brilliant, better than I expected. Anyone who throws massive beach balls into the crowd gets my vote though. There might've been some rain but when you've got a beer, a picnic, a view of the sea and a sexy poncho it doesn't matter.

The street entertainment was unusual as always, some strange looking creatures which seemed to frigthen the kids more than Roy Cropper would. I wanted one to come over to me while I sipped my lemonade just so I could whisper in its ear: "What's with the long neck, do your feet smell?"

Sand dancers don't dance but they do make you laugh

2011-07-11T20:41:00.009+01:00

South Shields continues with its famous stars. I predicted way back in 2008 that Sarah Millican would make it big and I don't mean her cake shelf. She's risen from local star to TV panelist appearing on shows such as Mock The Week, 8 Out of 10 Cats and with Lee Mack, Frank Skinner and Michael McIntyre. I'm told she's even a regular on the man-eating show Loose Women where they laugh at the size of men's willies and that. We've been to see her 3 times over the past few years, but this time it was the turn for Chris Ramsey, the next South Shields comedian.

He'd come back to his home town at The Customs House to do a gig and most of his school class turned up as he chatted and made some pretty funny comments at the start of his show. I wasn't expecting him to be that good, but his 2nd half was brilliant. It's the show he's taking to the Edinburgh Fringe, called Offermation. It's basically about crap pointless information that people insist on giving you. Right up my street. There's a great twist at the end of the show, very well written and performed. The laughs were all there and I didn't say a word.

So hopefully Chris is also set for stardom, just to take the pressure off little camp Joe McElderry.

Get your ramekins out

2011-06-28T20:09:00.006+01:00

Nice to see that NewcastleGateshead are still making an effort with their EAT Food Festival. This year we decided to go to the Launch Party to see what it was all about. It was fairly mediocre really, a free drink or two, free food cooked by the local Masterchef Pro finalists and an over excited orange Geordie compare. The BBQ wasn't working properly and I wasn't convinced my pork sausage was cooked so I left for the dogs of Newcastle. Not what you expect at the start of a food festival. However, a few cocktails, a good band and liquorice ice cream later it was time to go and take a piece of the huge cake left for the party go-ers.

The highlight for me was the following day. We got to cook with Terry Laybourne, the local chef and entrepreneur. He was a canny bloke, down to earth. We cooked cheese & spinach souffle in the middle of Fenwick store. I enjoyed seeing old ladies with puzzled faces as I whisked my egg whites, wearing a pinny, sticking my tongue out. We got to eat the souffle, served with cream, light and fluffy, just like my feet.

The glasses got hitched

2011-05-29T12:14:00.009+01:00

Luckily after the stag weekend in Glasgow, the wedding was still going ahead and it was wedding fever weekend as the Royal Wedding was the day before. Andy & Helen decided to get hitched in Edinburgh where the sun shone brightly all day. As Best Man, my duties were simply to make sure Andy had clean underpants on, was sober enough to slur 'I do', his glasses were on straight and I held onto his ring. Speaking of holding rings, it was appropriate as the bride decided to give Andy a scare by being 45 mins late, a problem with the dress they say, but I think the modern way now is for the bride to go off to the pub or hot dog van before the ceremony. (In Australia, we caught a bride doing exactly that!)

The speeches all went down well at Norton House Hotel after spending time outside in the bright sunshine drinking Pimms and listening to the harpist. Andy had even asked me to do a quiz in keeping with the horse racing theme. Great idea. There was some serious contestants wanting to do anything to win.

We all had a great day and I reckon the bride and groom did. I can't believe I spotted how much the groom looked like Harry Potter in his younger days from the photos on the wall. Some great touches too, especially the post box with my nickname on it, the life-like cake decorations and the fireworks!

Of course those Harry Potter glasses came out again during the party night, they get you noticed. Here are me and the boys with the perfect geek-chick-freak look.

So congratulations to the married couple, A & H. May the marriage flourish. One bit of advice to Andy: When you make love, make sure you talk to eachother.....as long as there is a phone handy ;)

Public whipping

2011-05-23T13:20:00.012+01:00

The last time I visited Glasgow was for my birthday but I looked forward to going again to be best man for my round-glassed mate Andy and make him safe during his stag do. Not much planning needed from me really as the groom with the clipboard and military itinerary had everything under control, even the statistics of preferred lap-dancers.

Off the train, to the hotel to change into our costumes which consisted of fruit-pastel coloured jockey T-Shirts and hats. It felt good to look ridiculous since the last time I dressed up but I was glad I wasn't the groom as he had the full jockey outfit on including whip and boots. I'm pretty sure he already had the whip and boots, he seemed so comfortable in them. A confident man in boots. I suppose anyone carrying a whip will have confidence, even his walk was very much in the style of a man with a purpose.

So in all our glory we trotted off to Ayr races to win absolutely bot-all on the horses. It didn't matter as it was such a good laugh, becoming the centre of attraction for all the ladies wishing to get their photos taken and caress Andy's whip. It's amazing how those ladies managed to actually look more like the horses than the horses running.

A few drinks later it was time to go straight to the Glasgow night life and see if we could understand any Scottish accents at the Comedy Club. The Scottish accent is just one big blur and even more so under the influence so most people resorted to sign-language and shouting. Infact some people from other groups did a lot of shouting and talking during the comedian performances. They were slowly told to leave over a period of about an hour through heckling and basic put downs from the stand up. We all agreed they were arseholes by clapping them out of the venue.

Without the costumes this time we still got noticed. It must have been the 15 jam-jar glasses we all wore. Towards the end of the night things seemed much easier in those glasses, the world made more sense. Passers-by didn't judge you for looking disabled. I put this down to the fact that a lot of hard-nosed Glaswegians do actually look retarded. For that reason I felt as comfortable as Andy did wearing his long black slender boots.

Overall a great time and great way to celebrate. Being best man meant I could call all the shots though I'm not one to make a fool of the groom, he managed that himself.

Egg and spoon without the egg or spoon

2011-05-02T14:29:00.006+01:00

The North Tyneside 10K run I do every year turned out to be a hot and sunny one on Easter Sunday. My time was slower than last year by a minute or so (57m 40s) but that didn't matter as you never get sick of such great scenery. It's not just that scenery to look at though as this year I saw a man from a stag party wearing a green mankini coming out the sea. Also, sitting watching the race on a park bench, a row of hungover lads, with a huge cuddly toy in the middle. Only in the North East...

The girlfriend's family were at the end to see me 'race' to the finish line so I had to make sure I looked good. As always, there are some photos to go towards proving I do the race every year.

Eshott, it's in earshot

2011-04-05T21:03:00.008+01:00

I almost forgot to blog what was my birthday treat a few weeks ago. It was a surprise, a tradition for birthdays in the household. We went for a weekend, not too far away, to Eshott Hall in Northumberland. A pretty romantic place if you fancy taking your woman, man or mother-in-law there. It's recently been refurbished, is an amazing place with a pretty impressive hallway and bedrooms. The food as always was another reason for our stay there and it was pretty lush, we ate there both nights. The chef showed off a few times with an Irn-Bru sorbet palette cleanser, and some fantastic meat and game dishes.

We managed to visit Warkwarth Castle, brave the strong winds on their beach and take a look around Alnwick. There were lots of people on the streets and shops talking about the Royals coming to Alnwick that day. I thought they were talking about Ricky Tomlinson and Caroline Ahern but it turns out that Kate thingyboby who Prince William is marrying has a sister who was getting married there that day. Yawn.

Back at the hall, was such a good choice by the girlfriend, hope she gets it right next year too. No pressure.

Line Off? You can f$*k off.

2011-03-04T13:51:00.009Z

I'm back online after some problems and pure incompetence with my ISP suddenly cutting off my broadband. It took two weeks to explain to the 'foreign staff' that my broadband was not working and it's nothing to do with my browser, my router, my wiring or my wallpaper on the walls. As I said from the start, there must be an exchange problem. So a few engineers later, they found the problem after declaring that the line had no problem. It was in the exchange. Incompetent bstads.

So my advice is that if you find yourself being told that your line has been tested and there is nothing wrong, question it. Why? Because your ISP might not actually have the equipment and facility to to test your line from your local exchange. I found this out with my ISP. They might just lie to get you off the phone and 'escalate' the call to the next level.

Valentine Entendre menu

2011-02-13T14:39:00.010Z

Every year for Valentine I like to push my love boat out. While that might shock you, it's getting bigger each year. What am I talking about? My surprise 3 course dinner of course. This year the menu was called 'Remembering Oz'. It was influenced from things popular over there and the food we tried.

You may say Valentine would be the worse time to have crabs. Not in our house. Local crabs from our fish market, ripped apart with my hands and that hammer I keep in my handbag. I pulled my meat out and made them into Vietnamese style crab cakes and served it with mango, lime and avocado salad.

After this delight, the main course involved another favourite food phrase of mine. The lamb shank. Never have a lamb shank on your own, give one to the Mrs. That's what I did. Actually I slow cooked them in a madras sauce and served them with an Ethiopian flatbread, topped with crispy shallots. Pretty god damn delicious if you ask me or her.

Now the fun part. Pudding. It was based on nuts. I chopped my nuts carefully, and put them into a chocolate tart, homemade pastry of course. They were macadamia nuts, they love them in Oz. I decided to accompany it with a homemade lemon and lime bitters sorbet. Lemon & Lime bitters is a popular refreshing drink over there and my Valentine's face lit up when she tasted it. I think she was in shock though, too many entendres is enough for one night.

Face to face with Steve Irwin's killer

2011-01-24T21:03:00.011Z

It seems like a long time ago now but in the interests of keeping a diary like blog, I feel I must write a little bit about new year in Oz. So look away now if you are bored or have a naked lady to see to.

New year was spent in the centre of Adelaide, a chilled out city just right for us older fellas. Some time ago we'd booked a restaurant, Red Ochre Grill overlooking the river for the midnight fireworks. It was such a good setting, well worth the wait. Fancy food, fancy wine and fancy footwork, not from me, just the Aussies trying to do Auld Lang Syne.

The next few days starting off 2011 were to be relaxing ones before coming back to the UK. We managed to stumble onto a namesake beach along from another beach, Normanville named after my late father. Speaking of stumbling, I also managed to stand on a stingray, the famous fish that finished off Steve Irwin. Irwin would've been proud the way I fought it off by running like the wind back to shore. On the same beach, we saw dolphins and were shat on by some invisible creatures who think it's funny to leave a blob of mustard on your face. Despite this, this was officially our favourite beach of all, Mediterranean, white sand, clear turquoise water. Port Willunga beach, lush.

During all of this, we were staying at McLaren Vale, a wine region, right in the thick of it. It was recommended to use by someone who had heard it through the grapevines. A superb log cabin, The Producers Retreat with a Japanese bath and lots of homely touches. Even Alan the kangaroo started to relax while taking a bath with a glass of wine.

Soon, we were coming home. We've never been on such a great holiday, hard to return to the UK. You can understand why people emigrate, especially when you come back to sub-zero temparatures, roads riddled with pot holes, extraordinary traffic queues, ridiculous fuel prices and a workplace living in the past. Oh god it sounds so bad, now where's that visa...

The hills are alive with the sound of hic...hic

2011-01-15T17:12:00.011Z

It's got to be said that my favourite bit of our Australia trip was to come; in and around Adelaide. We travelled there passing through Mount Gambia where the No.1 tourist spot is the Blue Lake. Take a look at the photo, there's been no retouching, it's the "bluest" water we have ever seen and not a shopping centre in sight.

It was a special feeling coming into the Adelaide hills for the first time just before new year. We went straight to Mount Lofty (which sounds like an instruction if you're unfortunately called Lofty). From here, there is an incredible view point where you can see the centre of Adelaide and everything around it. A single photo does not do it justice.

We stayed in the hills for one night in Hahndorf, a German food and wine town, sampled some great food and some lush wines at the cellar door. And not a German or towel in sight although I did hold a few sausages in my hand. Sometimes you've just got to put your feet up and send the Shiela off to get some Coopers Ale to drink round the pool in a stubby. What a lovely sight, isn't she hot. Well it was 35 degrees.

It was New Year's Eve now and the temperature was 41 degrees. The bush fire alert system was set to "catastrophic' because of the wind and temperature. Planes overhead; Aussie's talking about the threat on street corners. So, we joined in with the panic and went to a winery to sample some more wine, bought a bottle or two, then fled the bush. The last bush alert I was involved in was on a Saturday night in Sunderland.

So what do Aussies call thongs?

2011-01-09T08:45:00.010Z

The Great Ocean Road. There's one in the UK, South Shields, my birthplace. There's one in Australia on the south east coast. But which one is best? There's only one way to find out. Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Actually, the way to find out is to drive along it. South Shields Ocean Road is about half a mile long. The one in Oz is 151 miles long and not one Indian restaurant in sight. It's an amazing breathtaking journey and there's plenty places to stay along the way to break up your journey. There's even a place called the Grotto like you find on South Shields coast.

The most spectacular part of the journey for us was the 12 Apostles, a collection of sticky up rock stacks, each with their own name. Another similarity to South Shields coast where you will find one called Marsden Rock. What a sight to see them from the ground and in the air as we took advantage of a Xmas present helicopter ride. I had my own names for them of course, especially the phallic ones. I wanted to call one Alan but with having a kangaroo called that it felt wrong. I wish I'd named one after him as he looked a bit sad in this photo despite the view from his apartment.

During the journey I looked twice above me to see a Koala. Not in the car, but in a tree. My life wouldn't be worth living if I hadn't slammed on the brakes, swerved to miss 17 Chinese people with cameras and park up to take a photo.

So if you find yourself in South Shields, do the Ocean Road, see the Grotto, the Marsden Rock and eat an Indian curry. If you find yourself in Australia, do the same with less clothes on wearing flip-flops. They call them thongs in Oz by the way, which sounds weird when an Aussie mentions they have brown stuff on their thong.

Christmas at Phil's

2011-01-01T07:56:00.003Z

Well celebrating Christmas in the sun on the beach is definitely an experience we should all try. What a great Christmas we (and Alan the Kangaroo) spent on Phillip Island in Australia. Staying in a cute little cottage 10 metres from the beach is a hell of a treat. It just means you don't have to have a wee in the sea because it's so quick to walk back to your Ozbog.

I was chef on Christmas day and I decided to do a stereotypical meal. Shrimps on the barbie with homemade sweet chilli dip and kangaroo steaks. Huge prawns the size of Alan the Kangaroo and his cousin cooked rare on the BBQ, served with sweet potato mash, roasted veg and a shallot sauce. It tasted of Christmas too, kangaroo steaks are really good, well worth a try.

I never knew how high a kangaroo could jump until I caught Alan the Kangaroo having an absolute wail of a time on the beach on the festive day. Look at the way he celebrated by launching himself in the air on the beach.

If Kate had an Oz garden would it be Kate's Bush?

2010-12-31T06:44:00.007Z

Driving from New South Wales state to Vitoria state in Ozland was a real treat. The roads are clear and the scenery amazing so the sheer mileage didn't matter. Especially with in-car music from Men At Work and Crowded House. There's so many reminder signs on the road side to take a break from driving. Feeling drowsy, pullover. Microsleep kills. Tired eyes? Have a powernap. Personally I think it's dangerous to have a powernap while driving so I kept awake while we travelled from Eden to Lakes Entrance on the south east coast. We passed black trees from the worst bush fires from last year. It's hard to believe that the roads we travelled on were melting as people tried to escape.

Alan the Kangaroo really got into the swing of things at Lakes Entrance in Victoria. We stayed in a log cabin with Alan, along with the token BBQ, lots of bush and strange sounding animals outside. I still can't look anyone in the eye when they talk about the bush though. All those adjectives they use, like, thick black bush. It's just hard to keep a straight face.

Roo spotted having a beer

2010-12-21T10:53:00.009Z

After driving along the east coast from Sydney we ended up at a place called Mollymook. What a great place to stay, right on the beach. Total contrast from the city life around Sydney, this was a chilled out place where a few surfers would gather. I managed a run along the long beach in total contrast to Tynemouth a few days before as you can see from the photos.

We caught Alan the Kangaroo having a beer by the pool overlooking the beach just after I'd put a few things on the Ozzie BBQ. He's so cool, his cape keeps him in the shade in the hot sun.

How's it going? (It's Ozzie for Areeet)

2010-12-17T10:00:00.008Z

Sydney, Australia is an amazing city. It's got everything you want. City life, good weather, good food and loads of beautiful beaches a small ride away. We went along to the famous Bondi beach where they show off surfing and looking beautiful. I fitted into the latter category of course. Take a look at Alan the Kangaroo at Bondi beach just soaking up the atmosphere, he goes brown so quickly. He had sunburn so we put a cape round him.

With such an American influence on the culture, Sydney was mobbed by fans for Oprah Winfrey who was doing one of her pointless shows at the Sydney Opera House. They ruined the Harbour Bridge by putting a massive 'O' hanging from it and lighting it up. I think it was to represent the size of her stomach, to scale.

I now know why it's called a pelican crossing, I took this photo in Sydney at a Fish Market. A proper fish market with loads of choice from fresh lobsters to huge prawns. I bought a Barramandi and cooked it for the girls. They loved it, I loved it.

The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog

2010-11-29T20:24:00.009Z

A weekend of weather, conversations about the weather, media reporting the weather and experiencing the weather. For all those overseas readers who don't know or don't care, there has been an onslaught of snow, ice, thunder, lightning, hail stone, wind, and severe cold. I've seen cars facing the wrong way on motorways, traffic going nowhere, snowboarders on the coast and a fox walking through the streets. Yes an urban fox we also hear more about in the media, maybe on its way to take a chunk out of the cheek of a sleeping baby. Some foxes like the one on the right can't be bothered to use stairs so they take an escalator. Earlier it was seen with its legs crossed reading a novel upside down on the underground tube.

So, do you know what is unique about the title of this blog? It contains all 26 letters of the alphabet. A pangram.

The proof of fat & funny

2010-11-14T10:49:00.008Z

The peoples' champion. Loved by all. Funny. Down to earth. Rotund. A master of his game. No it's not Colin, it's Peter Kay. We went to see him at the over sized Metro Arena venue for Tour That Doesn't Tour - Tour. I want to tell you all about it but don't want to spoil it. There's all new material and it's Peter at his best where he talks about normal everyday things we all relate to from dentists to technology like Sky+. He drops in a few of his old catchphrases just to remind you that bread is not just bread and cake can be made of cheese.

It's well worth waiting for the encore because it's absolutely inspired, bringing together jokes from the show and pure visual, musical genius he does so well. So this definitely proves the notion that a lot of fat people can be funny and not just to look at while they try and reach their other hand while clapping. Some of them at the show however could not stand up when it came to the long rapturous standing ovation for Peter.

Something in the sea water

2010-11-04T20:37:00.011Z

I'm from that seaside town of South Shields. Not only does it have beautiful coastline, beaches and a small version of the Curry Mile but it also makes stars. Apart from myself, we recently added Joe McElderry to that list, the gay X-Factor winner. Not only that but even more recent was another Masterchef finalist who worked at the Littlehaven hotel right on the coast overlooking the piers. I say another Masterchef finalist because we already have one from 3 years ago who I know. It's David Hall.

Not many people know this but apart from Ridley Scott (the extremely famous and successful movie director), Sir Frank Williams (Formula 1 Manager), Catherine Cookson and the rising new comedienne I predicted would go far, Sarah Milican; South Shields is also the birthplace for Eric Idle. Yep, the funny all round entertainer made famous from Monty Python, Life of Brian. So if you come from South Shields, always look on the bright side of life and just wait for Simon Cowell or Michel Roux to say yes. Reality TV may bring more Sandancer stars...

Speaking of Masterchef, take a look at this funny take on the recent finalists.

Turkey before Xmas? That's not right.

2010-10-26T13:47:00.012+01:00

Visiting Turkey some years ago with friends was a right laugh (you know who you are) but the place was poor and I thought I'd never go back. However, a celebration, a 40th birthday took us there the other week to Icmeler and it was great. There were 36 of us! We took up a third of the plane and had our own coach to and from the airport. For the first time we were lucky to have a great view from our large balcony.

The all-inclusive resort allowed us to sample beer, spirits and food all day. Think we got our money's worth. I nicknamed the restaurant the 'canteen of death' as you could literally eat yourself to death. Some larger individuals were giving it a right good go, I caught one singing while in the queue for the free nosh, like a kid in a sweetie shop I reckon.

The birthday night saw us all wear 'Dawny is 40' t-shirts to the surprise of the birthday girl (see photo) who'd spent £200 on a new dress to wear. She had to pull a t-shirt over it to join in. The Germans around us were pretty confused, I can't remember seeing any of them smile though apart from when they claimed their sunbeds. That's my brother in this photo too, not a German although he did used to speak German in his sleep when he was younger.

Now I just had to take a photo of this satellite dish I passed. I'm guessing they show gay porn or something on this channel. Uncanny that on the holiday to Turkey a number of years ago a man selling his wares on the beach would shout 'Arrrrrrsmeat'. There must be a link.

No Misses but a Missus

2010-10-03T15:43:00.009+01:00

It was so good to see that the stag from the Ibiza stag 'do' turned up for his own wedding the other weekend along at Longhirst Hall. What a great venue Liz and Alex chose for their wedding day and what a brilliant day it ended up being. Daft sweets on every table, a ninja photographer, a nervous usher, garter flashes. Loved the Lemonheads playing 'Mrs Robinson' now that Liz is an official Robinson, the song was in my head all day anyway so it topped it off as the whole wedding party surrounded them on the dance floor. Before that they snogged the face off each other while we all stuck our 2 fingers up ;)

They'll just be back from a fancy honeymoon Australia-New Zealand-Fiji. Bet they're tanned, tired and skint but have lived the dream. Congratulations, keep the marriage real.

Run Fat Boys Run...

2010-09-20T08:40:00.011+01:00

Ah, the smell of Ralgex. The costumes that pass you. The oggy chant. The 10 mile ache. The man on top of the bus stop with his hose. The outrageous rock band playing on a roundabout. The hoards and hoards of supporting people. The strange, compelling and captivating desire. That's the desire to complete the Great North Run 2010. It's pretty tough for an old man like me whose legs now feel like Michelle Mcmanus has sat on each one and lifted her own chubby legs off the ground. You can't help not enjoy it though despite the anguished pain (the run that is not the rolly-polly-on-top-of-legs-lady). I managed a leisurely time of 2:20 this year in the 30th run. Myself and my brother Lee raised money for Cancer Research, his time was 1:59, he was always the better runner, I got the looks though. So far we've raised £558.

Along the way I shook hands with our local lad, Ant from 'Ant & Dec', passed a man carrying a fridge on his back, a man running in cowboy boots, a fireman with an oxygen tank, a Flintstones car, running bananas and many other crazy runners. Oh and a few fellas running in Speedos. Why can't it be women doing this? That way I might've knocked 10 minutes off my time.

We were lucky to have VIP passes so we got to mix with the 'stars' afterwards. David James, Ray Stubbs, Scott Mills, Molly and Graham from Corras and more. They all insisted on talking to me of course but I had no time for them as I had a pint and a homemade cottage pie to get down my neck. It was great to see the girlfriend at the end of the race too. She came running over to me, bless her. That was her run...(2011). X

If you live in the North East, you need to run this race. It's not really about the race, it's just a one-off, emotional and uplifting experience. Your legs will finally recover but your memory of the run and all its surroundings will last forever...

The lost stag

2010-09-14T13:28:00.010+01:00

Stag and hen parties are much more varied now. Sometimes even the stag doesn't turn up. This happened on the one I've just been to in Ibiza. He turned up for the flight but not the main night out. That's because we broke him the previous night. They call him Boy Wonder, but the only thing to wonder about is if he's a man or not? Poor Alex, the pace was too much for those little legs. Hey, we all had a great time though, a good laugh, some sun, drinks, shots, sunbeds, wonder women bikinis, hand puppets, pole dancers, Norman Wisdom falling into bins, weird dancing, promotion girls and crap toasties. There was even a fella who genuinely looked like a cross between Bruce Forsthye and Alf Garnet. I couldn't get a photo of him though as I reckon he would've decked me with his trademark pose.

It was also entertaining to see that the Spanish like to name their shops after some of the British tourists in Ibiza though (see left). Andy B reckons they just sell sh*t, that's him having one on a sun lounger in my black vest.

Putting the pasty amonst the pigeon

2010-09-06T13:44:00.003+01:00

I’ve blogged the Greggs institution before and suggested it’s becoming the staple diet of the North East but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s about to become international as I noticed that there’s an outlet directly opposite Newcastle Central Station where so many of our international visitors must arrive. But imagine their surprise and bewilderment to be greeted by a pigeon pasty. This store has bullet proof type glass in it too, just for making those visitors feel extra safe in the early hours. So what next for Greggs?

The 18-30 Greggs holiday?
Greggs airlines with the famous logo on the tail?
Greggs Airline food?
Greggs branded flip flops?
Greggs drop-in medical centre?
Greggs PHD’s?
Greggs phones with a free HOTline?
Greggs haircuts (in the style of a lattice pasty)
Greggs crèches (for obsessed obese kids)
THE PIGEON PASTY

When I'm cleaning burgers

2010-08-22T18:44:00.008+01:00

We get some pretty good days when the sun is out in Tynemouth, you don't need to be abroad. We were lucky to be at the rowing club Ukulele BBQ on the beach. Sounds weird, and it was a bit odd. 10 players playing the mini instruments which look like guitars that have been in a hot wash. Being played in sync gave a few funny looks from passers by. We tried to request a Lady Ga Ga hit but they weren't having any of it. Being a competent musician myself (cough) I got to play one too, and found it quite easy as it's similar to the last 4 strings on a guitar. I did feel a bit like an elephant playing with a cherry on a cocktail stick though. We had a performance from local girl Anna Leigh who did well to sing in the hot sunshine and the smoke from the BBQ.

I also got the chance to parade my award winning Sundried Tomato and Pine Nut burgers. People flocked from all over to taste them, even the seagulls. The same seagulls that decided to swoop down nearby for a piece of chicken and in the process dropped a few shit parcels in our pints, and on my shirt. It brings a new meaning to the phrase 'shit shirt'.

Dracula just went round giving hickey's

2010-08-08T20:04:00.006+01:00

When I was really young back in the days of no internet and when a gay man was just a man with a smile, I remember the old fashioned holiday. The British seaside resort. So I decided to treat the gorgeous lady in my life to a weekend of one for her birthday near Scarborough, at Scalby. We stayed at the Wrea Country House Hotel, a beautiful building with great views of the country side. A long walk on the Cinder Path to the seaside meant we could have a jug of Pimms overlooking the sea, where the rows of coloured beach huts were packed with people enjoying the seagull shit.

Another gem of a place is Robin Hoods Bay, a pretty little hilly fishing town, with a maze of tiny streets and cute old houses. We found a great place for a future stay overlooking the bay.

We couldn't resist a visit to Whitby too. We would've walked from Scarborough to Whitby on the Cinder Path, an old railway line, but I think 23 miles without stopping at a pub is not right. So in the car parked near the Abby we walked in and around with all the other thousands of grannies and fish and chip munchers. We too had to have fish and chips, it just has to be done. We also made sure we took a look at the real whale bones structure, it's jaw dropping. I'm still not sure Dracula really visited Whitby but the Abby must look pretty spooky at night and I wouldn't like to be kissed on the neck there.

So follow in our footsteps, I recommend these places. Pack a picnic, Pimms, a vest, a knotted hankie and inflatable stripey deck chair.

Make full use of your pole

2010-07-28T22:43:00.008+01:00

At last I got to see the beautiful lady in my life do her thing on the water. It was great to go out in the speed boat to the north and south piers of the Tyne and watch her race for the Tynemouth Rowing Club Regatta. I was so close while she raced that I could see her big cheeks. They were puffing away with every stroke. The puffing payed off as she won her race, what a star. Even the planes from the Sunderland Air Show were in on the celebrations.

A BBQ and a bit of drinking followed of course. Oh and a spot of limbo. What a weird thing that is and pretty funny to see one girl tell us she was really good only to fall flat on her face, head in the sand and looking like a turkey twizzler. So the idea is to bend as far backwards as you can to go under a pole. A bit like the lengths some stag do's would go to on a night out in Poland.

Ride again

2010-07-16T13:15:00.006+01:00

I looked at the title of my last blog saying that men will ride anything. The notion continues as this is a group of men riding the largest skateboard in the world. How on earth do you get your foot on the floor or more importantly how do you stop? Imagine this thing coming towards you in the park with 7 men screaming at you and one at the back sunbathing.

Men will ride anything...

2010-07-12T13:23:00.010+01:00

The streets of Tynemouth were packed with people for the annual Mouth of the Tyne Festival this weekend. It's the sixth year and this time we got to experience the whole event with a few mad acts through the day (including a fella riding a 10 foot unicycle). On the Saturday night we were at the unbelievable setting inside the Priory on the headland with an open air concert with James Morrison. We're not really fans of his but the fact that the location is so scenic with views of the coastline and he owns a large chain of supermarkets made the whole night a bit more special. You can just make him out in this photo on the left.

The following day used the same location for a number of bands, then a performance from the Lightning Seeds. They were not that strong but for free you can't complain. By then a few more beers, with the beautiful ladies around me along with a picnic made it all worthwhile. As it was world cup final time a few minutes after the final song, you can't help wondering whether they would've performed 'Three Lions' if England had been anywhere further in the tournament. No chnace.

Just before watching the final in the pub we experienced some camp Latino dancing on the beach. At one point a bit perverted as one of the male dancers rode a donkey. A sort of Latino Bernie Clifton dressed in a Hi-De-Hi outfit.

The cow drank my beer

2010-07-11T09:52:00.004+01:00

Wagyu might sound like a term to describe you've bagged a footballers wife but it's infact a breed of cattle fed on beer. Very informative Ian you might say now get lost, but the reason I mention this is it's not often seen on a menu in the North East. Normally you'd pay hundreds of pounds to have a wagyu filltet of beef but The Silk Room in Newcastle does a Wagyu burger for £19. It's worth a try, I had one, the flavour was delicious and the beef just melted and broke away in my mouth. Even better though, it's not shipped in from its native Japan as there's a farmer in Northumberland, Otterburn supplying and specialising in this now. I think the burger I had was a lot better than the one I won the competition with last year but mine costs about 80 pence to make.

Rhubarb Rhubarb Rhubard off

2010-06-30T20:33:00.008+01:00

Imagine being drunk all the time. As well as loving everyone like family you might get to see the world like Roobarb and Custard did or their makers in the brilliant cartoon show from the 70's. What genius dreamt this up I often wonder? Get a few splodges of paint on some paper which just about resemble some characters, sink a few beers and try and hold the paper up in front of the camera to somehow make a story. It just wouldn't wash these days unless you had an over sized bag of popcorn, a pair of ridiculous 3D glasses that make you look like Elton John crossed with Reg Holdsworth and a Channel 4 breakdown about the program you've been watching after every advert.

I ramble on like this as I got hold of some home-grown rhubarb which I intend to cook with of course. and it always reminds me of the cartoon. Looking at it, there are so many things it could be used for but I opted for an alien hand gesture followed by another. Like Roobarb, I also like to annoy my neighbours with a polite message on the window sill.
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Who should have a fishy on the little dishy?

2010-06-15T13:54:00.002+01:00

I don't think the North East is quite ready for a food festival just yet. It's the second year of the EAT Festival and we visited the various events in Newcastle at the weekend. It included food stalls with various over priced items, a dedicated row of stalls selling the food-of-the-moment-cup-cakes, some possessed woman on stilts pushing a hostess trolley and a man in a tomato outfit laughing at her. The most bizarre event was the one where fresh fish is delivered by boat onto the quayside, seeing them fillet it and the local chef's take it away and cook it. We actually found out that the fish is delivered by van and then carried in fish boxes by hand. I can't even be bothered to do any fish jokes, but I wasn't a happy sole.

Despite the let-downs, we still enjoyed the festival which is running for a number of weeks now. The best bit was seeing the sheer panic and sickened look from the men who tried some of the hottest chilli paste at the Chilli and Beer Festival.

Shaking nuts, shaking helmets, shaken men

2010-06-07T13:06:00.013+01:00

It's a good job stag weekends are not more than a weekend because the abuse of the body is enough to make you want to sit in a corner and cry yourself to sleep. The first night in Leeds got off to an unusual start in the hotel bar as around 15 transvestites walked in and stood right next to 18 of us who were also men, but not dressed as women. Although one man, the stag, had a lederhosen costume on. This was not his own choice.

The next day with a ridiculous hangover that felt like I'd licked the full length of a snooker table, 18 of us went off to ride go karts and hover hovercrafts. This was great fun and it literally shook the hangover from you. I managed to get the fastest time on the timed lap for the go karting but when it came to hover crafting I let myself down, the team down and most of all, I let the hovercraft down. The stag nearly had to do the whole thing in a lime green mankini but he tried it on before the activities and with all that shaking about in the go kart we reckoned it might be both painful and cause spectator regurgitation. I was surprised to find that in our heath-and-safety-mad-country that the bag the mankini came in did not say 'may contain nuts'.

That night, we were off again, managed to just avoid more transvestites, gay bars and some generally weird looking people. At one point we did discuss the logistics of getting the stag into a formula 1 car hanging from the ceiling. We stuck to the safer option of getting his photo taken with a 'fat-lass'. Joy.

Chop my cheeks and slap me with a fish

2010-06-01T13:07:00.010+01:00

It has to be said that Cambridge is a beautiful city, you can walk around and admire it or go on a punt on the river to see more, sing Cornetto songs and tickle the fella who does the punting. We were there at the weekend but didn't get to go on a punt or tickle anyone apart from each other as the weather on the day was a bit inclement. It meant that in between a bit of shopping and sight seeing we were forced into a couple of real pubs, with real ale, real food and the odd left over student. The Chop House was one where I had a great tasting Stone Bass (nothing to do with Bill Wyman but is actually a fish). That gorgeous girl I took along had slow cooked beef cheeks in an ale gravy. Yes that's beef cheeks, the cheek of the cow... It's all about the ale here, I washed my fish down with a canny ale called Pegasus.

More food again later for dinner at the local village pub, The Plough, but I won't bore you with what I had. We managed to sit outside for drinks in the rain, heaters on and canopies up. Only the British would do that. A good walk the following day we spotted the biggest thatch 'cottage' we've ever seen. Some people must have nothing better to do but show off with a fantastic over sized house.

We came home in style with an American Bomber. Now that doesn't mean I had some weird cocktail or curry the night before but there was a memorial day at the American Cemetery nearby and it flew over along with some jets. I'm sure the pilot dipped his wings to say goodbye to me...

Neigh Way Mee Horse Dung That

2010-05-22T13:49:00.001+01:00

I got thinking the other day as I passed a massive portion of horse manure on the footpath. How come horse riders get away with letting their animal plop onto the pavement yet a dog owner has to carry a pooper-scooper or Morrisons bag (or a Waitrose bag if you have a four-wheel drive and have special seats for your dogs) to avoid a fine? If dog owners were riding their dogs, would that let them off the hook? I imagine that because horse poop is good for the garden, it's not seen as a hazard but I wouldn't like to fall flat in my face into one to find out. Perhaps the horse rider should have a back-pack or bin liner to attend to their ploppers-plop. Pooper-scooper doesn't sound right for a horse, so maybe a new name like 'Dung-Digger' would do.

On that same day I found the horse present, I got stuck in a long traffic jam. I later learned that this was caused by a horse which had escaped onto the motorway. Imagine having a horse coming towards you on a fast road, no wonder they go round crapping themselves (the horse not the driver...although....mmm). But look at this unbelievable story, from around the same area that horse escaped; a horse went to the cinema - it's true, read it. Clearly, there's a horse around Boldon that is really frustrated with life, goes round plopping itself, running naked through fields and onto dual carriageways. And to top it all off, wants a piece of what humans get up to, so trots off to to see a movie. Black Beauty wasn't even playing.

Frankie says...I would quite happily punch everyone in the face

2010-05-15T12:52:00.007+01:00

You just have to laugh at Frankie Boyle (the funnier one from BBC2's Mock the Week) and his live tour called 'I would quite happily punch everyone in the face'. He's no relation to Susan Boyle although he has said that there is some resemblance as he looks ridiculous dressed as a woman too. We went to see him at the City Hall on Friday and he was a star act. He's been in the news quite a lot recently for his controversial jokes. Jokes that no one batted an eye-lid at many years ago. I must admit, he was definitely close to the knuckle on some of his jokes but still overall a very funny man with some topical material. He's the first act we've seen who didn't do an encore, perhaps he's just really pi**ed off with people, I mean if you name your tour like that you must be. Anyway, it's all an act, they are just jokes to make you laugh, wince, think and take a sharp intake of breath.

Those who are 'offended' (whatever that emotion really is) should either stay away, or start an "I am offended at everything around me" group on Facebook. Then the same people can join another group called "I am further offended by the 'I am offended at everything around me' group on Facebook". Then they can all be grouped under the generic group called 'I have nothing to do in life but be a do-gooder'.

Down the club

2010-05-08T11:30:00.003+01:00

Haven't posted for a while as there's been some technical changes in the process I use for hosting my blog within my site. Now this has been sorted I'm back just like the Take That boys.

Crazy golf really isn't that crazy is it? Stick a few dinasours for scenery, a water feature, pebbles, stones and small children in the way of the hole and you've got yourself a crazy golf course. It still raises a few laughs though, some people take it really serious. Not me. Anyway, I went along with my caddy, golfing pantaloons and my score board and took part in a foursome! It took me back to the time I was about 9 years old, with friends on holiday. My young friend was sizing up the ball with her club, swung it forcefully back and whacked her dad right on the nose. It must've been agony, lots of blood. Oh, and Bogeys all round.

Birds, kebabs, curries...not just a night out itinery

2010-04-12T08:51:00.012+01:00

Too many celebrations in one weekend can make you either want more or a nice lie down. A night out in South Shields was pretty hilarious seeing the same old haggard faces from many years ago who must religiously go out every Friday. They even wear the same clothes and drink the same drinks. It brought a smirk to my face when I walked past a take-away named 'Abra-Kebabra'. No guesses what they sell. The next night we went to the posher side of South Shields where the haggard faces are more nip & tuck ones, a quieter pub in Cleadon.

Now as I recently had a night out in South Shields, you'd think that I would have seen most weird birds, but at a BBQ near the beach on sunny Sunday, I snapped this one. I guess it is some sort of burlesque seagull with feathered ugg boots. Great for cleaning your blinds.

Later on we met up with friends for birthday and engagement celebrations at Tiger Tiger and Spice Cube for poppadom's and curry. As always was good to catch up and see what pointless banter is left for us to talk about. It appears there's an awful lot left.

Congratulations to Andy & H, a love match doesn't just happen in tennis, but new balls you will always need mate.

6.2 miles of fun

2010-04-08T13:10:00.009+01:00

I cannot believe that it's a year since doing the 10K North Tyneside coastal run. It was full-on sunshine last year. This year, we had sunshine again, and no wind apart from that which came from a heavy night out the day before. It's scenic all the way and once you turn the corner to see St. Mary's Lighthouse it doesn't seem too far until the finish. I managed 56 minutes this time, a minute ahead of last year. That tells me I'm getting better or my watch is feeling as old as I did after a couple of mile. It was hard going even though I do that sort of distance every week! Seeing the girlfriend's smiling face and the thought of a whopping great Easter egg makes it all worthwhile though.

That's me with the halo in the photo behind a young Rob Brydon.

Some people can sleep on a washing line

2010-03-18T23:52:00.000Z

Forget Sport Relief, this fella is 3000 metres up above Germany's highest mountain on a rope can you believe. He walked along it for 995 metres to break a world record for charity. What happened to good old fashioned sitting in a tin bath of beans in your speedos, or having your armpits waxed, or running naked to each of your neighbours and asking them for a cup of sugar? These sort of people are just show offs. I wonder if you asked him the time he would look at his wrist? Or ask him to check if he has deodorant on.

King of the Castle

2010-03-02T13:38:00.007Z

I can't remember the last time I was in Otterburn, maybe when I was a kid with the school, but at the weekend we stayed there at the Tower Castle Hotel. The lady in my life had decided to surprise me for my birthday, isn't she good? She chose well as it's got awards for its food and as you may know I like a bit of food and to whittle on about it on this web site from time to time. In between the lush food which is all supplied by its farm and local suppliers, we managed a game of darts and some hill walks which helped to soften the belly.

The best walk was in the Cheviot's where the contrast between pure blue sky, green grass and thick snow was at times spectacular. It was fun to step into knee deep snow and try and work out where to go without seeing tracks and paths. That's why we got a bit lost and managed to take a longer route making it 7 miles instead of 5. I still feel full of those Northumbrian breakfasts so could do with another long walk, or maybe a game of darts again. That's what you do when you're this age...

Pushing the love boat out...

2010-02-15T08:48:00.006Z

So, did you lovers out there treat your women good at the love weekend? Like they say to kids, "Everyday is Christmas for kids". It's the same in my house, the girlfriend might be younger than me but I don't say that to her, but I do say, "Everyday is like Valentine's Day". It still didn't stop me pushing the love boat out (euphemism not intended) with a Saturday night special menu presented to her on the day and prepared and cooked by yours truly.

Keeping it local, we had home-made craster kipper pate with herbed toast. To add to our kipper breath, for mains, it was fillet of beef on a crouton topped with a portobello mushroom and marsala sauce, sauted pototoes and creamed spinach. Both a mouthful to say and eat, but it went down pretty well. Now to make sure you get full brownie points, give the girl a homemade Lindt and almond chocolate fondant and top it with homemade honey ice-cream. You know you've got the fondant right when it oozes gooey chocolate when you delve into it. This picture proves the moment, although it does look a little like something left on the beach on a Sunday morning....

Forget flowers, forget chocolates, deliver these goods. She was wowed, star struck I reckon but well deserved. Happy Valentine to my beautiful girlfriend and to you and all who sail in you.

Bitterly...c...OLD

2010-02-01T13:06:00.006Z

Good to see the snow back apart from the chaos it appears to cause in our country. I thought I wouldn't let it stop me though so I went for my weekend run in 4 inches of snow and I forgot how good it feels to step in and out of fresh snow and avoid the yellow patches. I got a few funny looks but the jaw was opened the widest from the old lady struggling through the snow with a walking frame. She thought I was mental, but what about her? Surely that's just as mental - going out at the age of 80 with a walking frame with dodgy wheels navigating through snow and ice. Oooh, the eldery of today...

Council find the cause of pot holes trying to hide under blanket

2010-01-19T13:25:00.000Z

Some people act older than they are. Take my old friend in this photo for example (it's not Eddie Izzard or William Shatner), he loves to wrap up like an old woman with a blanket and a puffy. He once fell down the stairs in his underpants you know. Anyway it was good to see him and his woman visiting from his foreign land, even if he was ill and couldn't make the previous night out, he made an effort to eat every bit of my lush food the following day (including home made fishcakes, his plate pictured here ready to cook).

Let's hope he hasn't put on weight or his parachute won't fit and the council will have to have a word...

New Year, same old

2010-01-04T13:48:00.006Z

Thank god it is over, Christmas just makes your fingers automatically dip into sweet tins, nuts, chocolates, cheese, turkey and all the rest. Hope you all had a good time while eating yourself to death. We did (had a good time that is), we managed to get home in one piece after spending new year near Penrith at a farmhouse. There was a lot of snow, a New Years Eve bonfire and loads of food (again) and drink.

In the new year, I've now got to listen to people (as I do every year) telling me they're joining a gym, go for a month then continue to pay £50 monthly for not going for a half the year. If you're one of those people, don't bother talking to me...

Also, the word 'treacherous'. Look, we never use this word normally so why do we insist on using it to describe the weather when it snows?

What a fat christmas pudding

2009-12-23T08:44:00.005Z

The man night out is of course always a special one. Over the years at Christmas it has turned into a much more civilised event where we dress like a clapped out version of Take That and go for a posh curry. That said we did have a great night at Spiced Cube in Newcastle. The food could've been better but we still made it a good night out with plenty of old stories and constant micky takes (one including the fact that I blog things like this!) Mark who is pictured here was the only one to opt for a dessert which didn't surprise me as his face lit up when he heard the word chocolate fudge cake. He ate the lot and got none on his Mark Owen shirt or his Christmas-bauble-like-head. Like a child he couldn't drink his Cobra but could manage a great fat pudding. Merry Xmas to you all and those millions of blog readers, enjoy the festivities.

Camping night out

2009-12-18T13:05:00.004Z

Another comedian at the Live Theatre tempted us to go on a little Christmas night out at the Live Theatre again, battling the blizzards and minus temperatures. We were thoroughly entertained by Jon Richardson who looks like Gino D'Acampo's brother (not that I've met his brother). He presents comedy shows on BBC Radio 6, has supported Alan Carr and been on Have I Got News For You. We had a table right at the front of the stage but he was probably frightened to pick on us, so instead chose a few others in the audience.

The first half was more of a funny chat and it turned out that the whole audience thought he was camp. But what would you do if he asked you to cheer if you think he's camp? Even if he was butch, had a bull terrier on a lead and a huge tattoo on his forehead you would cheer. Actually come to think of it, that sounds camp anyway. Jesus, I don't know what camp is anymore, I've even just cocked my leg as I said that, cheer if you think I'm camp. No wonder he looks like Gino D'ACAMPO.

The second half was funnier again as he did a set he won an award for in Edinburgh. He talks about his life as a single man, his weird thoughts and observations. One included an old couple on a train who were forced to sit apart from each other. After a while Jon couldn't help noticing that the man reached across to his wife, and slapped her head very hard, then nonchalantly carried on reading. He reckons that if you can still play games like that and laugh about it, you've got is sussed. So I'm off to slap the girlfriend...

Soooooth Shields Joe to win

2009-12-11T13:27:00.001Z

Being born in South Shields, growing up there and visiting family once a week I feel it is my duty to support the X-Factor finalist Joe McElderry. My mother reckons he's great and shares the same hair dresser with his grandmother - what a brilliant claim to fame. His grandmother (who's just changed her name to 'Vote Joe' - eh!) must've been getting her hair done quite a lot because she's been back and forwards down to London. They missed the plane last week and had to get a taxi there. Wonder if Simon Cowell paid for that, he's not got much money so hope he's not struggling in his monopolisation and world domination of everything that has a pulse.

It's a massive show, brilliant for the area and the boy is a good singer. It's such a shame and annoying when the X-Factor video excerpts show old sofa's in back yards when the cameras come to South Shields. They really know how to paint the wrong picture. Anyway, good luck to Joe. Even Elvis is backing him. I got tickets for the live event in South Shields on Sunday but gave them to my niece, what a great uncle.

In the market for a sausage

2009-12-01T13:34:00.005Z

Sometimes, a man just can't resist walking past a german food stall and admiring the size of the sausage. I admired it so much, I just had to have a Super Bratwurst sausage from the Christmas Market in Manchester. They are rather long and stick out of the small buns they put them in. Mine managed to find its way out of the bun and onto my jacket during eating, much to the surprise of those around me. It felt like my fly was open.

3 good time girls, 2 have-a-go hit-men, 1 suicidal double-act...

2009-11-24T13:23:00.005Z

I'm such a good son, we took my mother along to see a production at The Live Theatre at the weekend. I must say I really enjoyed it. It was called Jump! and was set in the North East at New Years Eve. It had 3 separate stories, gangsters, suicide and girls drinking. Typical of the North East I reckon, but there was not one mention of Greggs pasties. The acting was great, the story brilliant, the dialog funny and dark and the wine I had was very nice too. Like a Tarantino film, the stories came together right at the end although you could see it coming. It was a really different night out, it touched parts of me I thought only Carlsberg or the girlfriend could. I got someone to take a photo of us at the show - that's me in the middle ;)

I was feeling a bit heavier while watching the play after a top notch meal again from Cafe Vivo. I decided to have real buffalo mozzarella for starters - proper creamy stuff, I could've jumped in it naked. I followed that with beautiful melting Veal, the once controversial meat. I was then forced into eating a chocolate and hazelnut tart. The waiter kindly added a free try of the home-made choc chip ice-cream. Wooo, when I write that down, why I am I not a fat get? No comments please.

Nowt to do with Herbie

2009-11-17T13:09:00.006Z

I was expecting to have a nice drive along the coast in a Volkswagen when we were invited to a Beetle Drive at Tynemouth Rowing Club but was shocked to find a totally different experience that was pretty funny. My Gran and girlfriend knew what a Beetle Drive was but not me. For those of you who don't know; it's about throwing a dice to build up a picture of a beetle where numbers on the dice represent parts of its body. Once someone completes the beetle, you shout 'Beetle'. Winners and highest scorers move onto the next table and start again. It's probably where the origins of Swinging came from. As you can imagine, lots of alcohol just adds to the occasion. Even more so with the 80% Stroh Austrian punch (a bit like mulled wine). It involves a special pot over a heat filled with red wine, cinnamon, orange, other spices and this crazy rum called Stroh. A big roll of sugar is melted over the top and it caramelises in the punch. It's got a good kick, keeps you warm and has probably been used to rub graffiti from walls.

Forget wheelchair races, what about pushchairs?

2009-11-09T13:06:00.004Z

It was cold, a mud bath, regular cow pats, massive puddles and lots of wobbling bums. No it wasn't a night out in Sunderland or a Latvian lap dancing club, I was doing the 10K Town Moor run in Newcastle. It was enjoyable although you had to watch your footing. A fella with his kid in a pushchair passed me early on, apparently he didn't have a babysitter - classic, only in the North East! I ran past him later. So there's events for walks, runs, cycle races, dog walks etc. It's only a matter of time before there's a pushchair race and the prize is a Greggs sausage roll (the Greggs dummy) for the kid. Even a blind person passed me along with his guide, though he didn't see me giving him the V's. Amazing. Anyway, I managed to do it in 53m 06s which is good for me and my old legs. This rather rigid looking photo was taken before the race of course, hence the lack of mud and the beautiful smile.

Not much of an impression

2009-10-27T08:51:00.012Z

Can you remember that impressionist from the telly? Us older but good looking generation will remember Mike Yarwood but I'm talking about Alistair McGowan. He's now known more for his green campaigning at Heathrow rather than his old TV series, The Big Impression. The girlfriend and I went along to see him perform at his show and although some of his impressions were good and local (Brendan Foster, Steve Cram, Gazza, Shearer), the gags were pretty poor. I think he's obsessed about football as most of his act was based around it. He revived the impression industry some time ago but it's gone stale again, maybe we need someone else who's more of an all rounder - like Rob Brydon. He ended with his best known impersonation of Dot Cotton who transforms into Harold Steptoe. Overall though it was pretty poor, my girlfriend was even more disappointed, especially later when I did my elephant impression.

Up the peaks with brown cheeks

2009-10-26T13:03:00.008Z

A little holiday in South West Scotland was a great idea last week. We stayed in a superb homely cottage not far from the 'food town' of Castle Douglas. Although it's called a food town, apart from their excellent selection of butchers and bakers it's hard to see why. I did of course visit the butchers and was pretty impressed. The girlfriend was even more impressed when I cooked with the meat later that night; a chunky cottage pie. After resting our massive belly's that night, we walked it off the next day in the woods. We did the same the next day but this time climbed 330m metres up to Screel Hill where you can see right across the Solway to the Lake District. It was hard not to laugh when a lady in front fell flat on her face in the mud. I picked her up only to find she had a hilarious mud beard. Unfortunately she cut her cheek quite badly and had to go back down the hill even though she was only 10 metres from the peak. Overall a great break and will be booking that cottage again, great for meeting up with your friends if you have any!

A posh bloke in the toon

2009-10-12T13:34:00.006+01:00

It can't always be up to the man to make his lady laugh so I took my lady to see the comedian John Gordillo at the weekend with his show called Fu*konomics. He might've just been a bit too posh for Newcastle but he had moments that were very funny, especially his story about his Spanish father who insisted on telling his 7 year old Grandson that Willy Wonker's Chocolate factory would not survive with Charlie running it, what with the union problems, umpa lumpas and the capitalist system. Even funnier moments were at crucial points in his stories where someones phone went off on two different occasions. By then we were on to our second bottle of wine so even my own jokes were funny, ask my girlfriend.

Bedroom wind

2009-10-05T08:47:00.010+01:00

Can you remember Changing Rooms, the TV programme that had everyone hooked just because you wanted to see someone cry on seeing their transformed room? Either that or you wanted to see Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen punched in the face or strangled by one of his silky sequin scarves. He should've stuck to Bullseye in my opinion (or auditioned for the part of the next Dr. Who).

Anyway, I decided that I was going to do my version of Changing Rooms while the girlfriend was away in London at the weekend and surprise her. So as I'm now 40, I have a batch of sticks that I've saved over the years, ready for stirring paint. The Saturday morning was a morning of horrendous wind outside so I first had to deal with the greenhouse blowing over and general havoc the wind was causing which was a nice start, After that, the furniture was moved out, walls painted (3 coats), wallpapered one wall, stood on roller tray-smashed it, got paint on my shoe, got paint in my hair, opened the window about an inch, wind came in, blew the loft hatch off in on the stairs landing. Apart from that, it all went well even though the girlfriend rang me to say that her train was due in at 3:30PM instead of 5PM. From then I ran around like my ass was on fire to get things ready. It was all worth it to see her face when she walked in to the new room, not a tear in sight, or a Carol Cheesy Smiley.

The willy contender

2009-09-30T13:10:00.000+01:00

Had to take a picture of this in an Asian supermarket. My girlfriend laughed loud, the word Fu-Fu means a lot more to ladies, a nickname for the erm....well you know. Some girls called them 'Flower' too so imagine my surprise when the two words were almost put together! It's a staple food of Africa; the flour, that is.

The modern wedding

2009-09-23T13:44:00.005+01:00

Wedding ceremony's are just an excuse for a right good drink, we were at one in Leeds at the weekend and things have moved on in the modern wedding world. It's trendy now to have the whole day dedicated to the wedding, none of this going home and 'getting changed for the night do'. It saves on clothes and gives you more time to drink, socialise and have a nibble on some canapes. My canape was a concoction of venison and liquorice, that's no cheese and pineapple on a cocktail stick (which should make a come back by the way). The speeches were made by four people which lasted an hour or more and were all quite funny. The food was really good especially the mains which included a dustbin sized Yorkshire pudding which I was tempted to put on my head as a wedding hat for some reason. It's also a growing trend for the first dance to be cleverly choreographed and well practiced, you just need to look on YouTube. Seen as the groom used to be a dancer I was expecting something good but it just looked like 'dad-dancing' to me.

Burgers baby

2009-09-16T13:13:00.006+01:00

Thanks to all who voted, I managed to WIN the burger recipe competition with Sainsbury’s Trynation. There’s only one thing for it, make those winning burgers. I reckon it’s like having a baby or practicing to have one:-

Do it outside, it’s more fun and the neighbours can talk all about you to the other neighbours.

Get your hands dirty, get them in the bowl and give the meat a good old work around.
Once you’re out of breath, you’re ready for a bit of patting, molding that meat, make sure you touch the sides.

Produce 6 lovely babies, double it if you’re a catholic or were born in Sunderland.

B-Factor

2009-09-14T08:45:00.006+01:00

The burger recipe competition closes in a few days and I'm still in the lead by 4%, there were thousands of entries. If you haven't voted (many thanks if you have), forget the veggie burger in 2nd place and vote for me. Whose heard of a burger without meat anyway? I'm sure it's only in there for diversity reasons. I'm surprised the blue cheese burger was allowed in without having other burgers representing the spectrum of colours. The winner gets £500 worth of shopping so tins and crisps for family Xmas presents this year. GO VOTE FOR ME NOW, TELL YOUR FRIENDS, TELL THE WORLD

The little burga made it

2009-09-03T19:53:00.004+01:00

Exciting burger times. My sundried tomato and pine nut burger has made the last 5 in a competition. So if you are reading this and would like to vote, please click here and select the 'Vote for this twist' button for Ian's sundried tomato and pine nut burger. Thanks for voting, will blog the results.

Forget the IPhone, get an IPlate

2009-09-02T13:54:00.000+01:00

No the IPlate is not a piece of crockery that sings while you eat your dinner, but could really improve your internet performance. If you want to increase your broadband speed then take a look at the IPlate from BT. If you have a master BT socket, you can fit this in seconds and it could make a big difference. It did with me, my speed was 3.9MB average before fitting it and now it's gone up to 4.8MB average. I've regularly used SpeedTest to check my broadband performance (every man should check their performance once in a while) so I know that this has worked. This is well worth a pop, I got mine from the BT Shop for £6.

Manly burger

2009-08-26T13:46:00.005+01:00

Hey I've got one of my burgers on the Sainsbury's web site. I could win a prize. Take a look, it might still be there. I could talk all day about burgers. I've made a few different ones in my time and love to get the BBQ out, along with the pinny and tools that make you feel manly. The one I submitted is made with sun-dried tomatoes and pine nuts, so go and get your hands in that bowl and mould a few shapes. That means you Andy...

Tynemouthing off

2009-08-18T13:32:00.013+01:00

Another birthday celebration (the mother) took us to a restaurant in the up and coming area of Tynemouth, my home town. It used to be the renowned AA rosette winning Sydney's, it's been re-invented now and called Brasserie 1883 (that's some bra size). The chef is the award winning Alan O'Kane, who appears to be back in the kitchen cooking excellent food. If the food we had is anything to go by, the awards might be coming their way again. A duck pate and a pork belly, that was my food choice, not my physique. Great tasting food. That's the manager in that photo, not me with a different head on.

There's also a newly managed pub (used to be called The Percy Arms) and eating place called The Priory which is definitely worth a visit. It's got a modern feel and makes you want to take your shoes off and put your feet up. We called in for late drinks and there was live music on. The girl singing playing keyboards, backed by a guitarist had a pure voice and did some unusual twists on some popular songs. I nearly swung my pants on 2 occasions. A good atmosphere but I suppose after a few beers it always seems that way.

Count 40 rings on his forehead if you don't believe me

2009-08-17T13:07:00.006+01:00

I have some friends (real ones, not those on facebook), some have just got to the mid-life crisis age of 40 where they think they can still wear muscle vests in the summer. He's pictured here to the right of Harry Potter, looks like a cross between the camp singer from Right Said Fred and a fat Phil Collins. He's holding some money (his favourite subject), as we've all just give him some to get a hair transplant and a personality assessment. We celebrated his 40th at Red Mezze, a turkish restaurant in Newcastle. There's all sorts of small little plates of food you can have, ideal for the birthday boy as he's only 4 foot 2. I had vine leaves, meatballs and the hard-to-refuse pudding, baklava. It was a great night, the lightweight 40 year old even managed a teeny sip of ouzo at the end of the night. He was off to a surprise break in Barcelona the next morning with his woman. The spanish will love him prancing around in his vests eating tapas. I hear they call him "CALVA"....

It's not just camels that have humps

2009-08-10T13:26:00.007+01:00

Cow’s are such show offs. All I did was point my camera to take a nice pleasant picture of the curious cows as I went over to their field. But what happened? Well the exhibitionist cow looked me in the eye then mounted the other one right in front of me. It felt like it did when someone reminds you that your parents still do stuff in the bedroom. It was as if the cow was laughing while doing it, with its condescending eyes. I had to walk away in the end, frightened to turn round incase it winked at me (I've spell checked that).

It was good to get a away for the weekend despite the p0rn cows. We stayed at a big farmhouse near the Lake District. There's an outdoor pool 3 mile along the road in a place called Shap. I didn't go in as my posing trunks were left at home and I didn't want to alarm the animals (even though they had alarmed me as I've said). The girlfriend went in though until she couldn't take any more and had to attend to her frozen assets. On the Saturday night, I did the manly thing and cooked on the BBQ. This time it was my turn to wink at those cows as I flipped the meat.

2 Cocktails and a Packet of Crisps

2009-08-03T09:12:00.005+01:00

I took the beautiful girlfriend out on Saturday night, not with a baseball bat, but for her young birthday (Happy Birthday - I know you read this religiously). We went off early doors to Nancy Bordello's in Newcastle, sounds like a very camp drag queen act, but it is infact a trendy pub place with modern Victorian decor. Popular with students but they’re all on daddy’s yacht at this time of year so we had lots of space for us tax payers.

A couple of cocktails and a packet of munster munch later we started to head off towards The Grainger Rooms. It's a modern british restaurant that gives you the feeling of being in a house, infact a Georgian house, which it was, so that figures. Sampling the food from local producers was superb; battered whiting with pickled cucumber dip, poached chicken with summer veg and local cheeses for me. For the birthday girl, roe deer, pork with braised carrot and fennel and summer fruit crumble. The chef did a pretty good job working on his own as his staff let him down, doing 43 covers. Pretty impressive for the quality of the food, but not one mention of munster munch crisp sandwich on the menu.

A friend is lost

2009-07-29T13:47:00.005+01:00

RIP Ian Wills. A real good friend who sadly recently took his own life. He was part of my group of friends from University and we'd kept in touch for many years. We were just out celebrating 40th birthdays only a couple of months ago. It taught us all a lesson. You never really know someone. Your mind can be your enemy yet it's so precious, it can hold thoughts that no-one would ever know. Our thoughts go out to all who knew him.

Keep your kebab to yourself

2009-07-23T13:55:00.010+01:00

I wish I was back in Santorni, a little Greek island we just returned from. What a place, unspoilt by the Brits and the family matching football shirts, very cosmopolitan, beautiful scenery and traditional greek food. It was disturbing to see a lady by the pool resembling Bubbles Devere from Little Britain. She wasn't shy, full bikini, probably made out of an old parachute. I nearly choked on my ouzo when I looked up to see her hanging her parachute up to dry, a towel round her waist (or a marquee), which slipped to reveal her backside. Oh my god, I couldn't breathe, it was like looking at 12 naked turkeys huddled tightly together fearing for their lives. There's no way I was going to try a Greek kebab after this incident.

Anyway, Santorini is a place to go back to and check out for a relaxing holiday, well worth hiring a car like we did to discover the island. This way you get to see the beautiful sunset like in this photo from the southern tip of the island in Faros. If you go on holiday, just make sure you don't sit next to 12 turkeys crammed into an aeroplane seat.

Smack the donkey

2009-06-30T20:36:00.002+01:00

When I was a lad back when gay meant happy and the Internet was in black and white, birthdays consisted of pass the parcel and freezing your position when the music stopped. Today, that's changed a little, as well as kids getting tons of presents like another Christmas, they also get the chance to wack a papier-mâché animal until it breaks and reveals sweets, toys and whatever else you care to put in there. It's quite funny to see the young un's blind folded trying to hit a donkey with a rolling pin while blind-folded. It's only matter of time before adults incorporate this into their party nights in the same way they insist on trampolining after a few beers breaking their necks or their kids in order to show how high they can jump while holding a can of Stella. So, maybe in the adult version of piñata you could stuff your paper donkey with condoms, stella, greggs pasties, rubik's cubes and those little plastic party hats with elastic string that cuts through your chin. You never see them anymore - where are they?

How many times can you write the word piccalilli?

2009-06-21T19:01:00.006+01:00

A bit of food, a bit of wine and a bit of music. What more do you want? For me, that's a good night out, especially when the food is good and it wasn't bad at The Exchange Bistro. A ham and parsley terrine with piccalilli was better than it sounds. It was moist (love that word) and a nice sharp taste from the piccalilli. Couldn't resist having a rib-eye steak for mains with mushrooms and home made chips, it's a perfect Friday night tea isn't it? I was further impressed with the beautiful lady opposite me tucking into red snapper with mango salsa followed by lamb. She didn't dribble once. The pudding (to share of course) was poor so I'm not going to even mention it, but the maltesers in it would've been better put back in the box and eaten on their own.
With a pretty full stomach it was off to the Magnesia Bank to see a below average band who murdered a Stevie Wonder song, wish I'd saved some piccalilli to throw at them. The saxophonist was really good though so it slightly made up for it.
So, are you hungry after reading this? I am. I'm off to make piccalilli, can't believe the main ingredient is cauliflower - urrrrgh, bad tasting evil brain looking food.

Twas on the 9th June...

2009-06-11T13:15:00.009+01:00

I've tried for a few years to do the famous Geordie 10K Blaydon Race and this year I was successful and managed to run it on Tuesday night just short of the winner, Ian Hudspith from Morpeth Harriers (27m 44s - woooh, must've needed the toilet). A good atmosphere and I was surprised to see there were lots of people supporting it all the way with bands and singers right til the finish. You could say all the lads and lasses there all had smiling faces (apart from those who couldn't cross the road to get to the Boyzone concert, probably for the best). I didn't join in with the famous song of course as I was out of breath and it looks embarrassing when you don't know ALL the words and I didn't have enough energy to COUGH at the point where I didn't know the words. Despite this I finished in 54m 30s and collected a t-shirt, a bottle of brooooon ale, a ham and pease pudding stottie and a congratulations kiss from my special girl: all consumed in that order, the order of importance!

Click here for news article.

Get those jockeys off

2009-06-07T10:38:00.003+01:00

It's not easy trying to win some money on the horses. I learnt that when I went to Gosforth Races at the weekend. Not one winner though, must be the jockey's fault. There was a weirdo standing next to me with his mates who insisted on telling me I had "sh*t on my shoe". Think he wanted me to cock my leg so he could make fun of my stance, didn't fall for it. My mate won on the last race so we made him pay for the taxi seen as we couldn't go on a horse. That reminds me, a few years ago I had a Xmas party at the racecourse. Like a cheeky drunk geordie I told this girl to meet me outside and we would go and steal a horse. I learnt some time later that she'd stood there most of the night waiting.....funny.

Those Coastal Animals

2009-05-26T13:24:00.009+01:00

Druridge Bay on the Northumberland coastline might sound like a sewer works but it's a good place to visit for a long walk along the sand dunes and beach. We went there at the weekend and got to see horses galloping along the beach and some rather suspicious voyeurism-like activity going on in the little pockets of the sand dunes. I know people take their dogs for walks along there but I'm sure it's not called dogging. Staying with the beach, blue skies and sunshine the next day at Tynemouth we didn't see horses, dogs or rotund bald men with binoculars but did see a lilly-white girl rubbing baby oil on her stomach only to find herself later looking like she'd been dipped in red-raw paint stripper. I laughed while I stuck a sausage in my mouth from our little BBQ. Doggers would've loved that. I wonder if doggers are bloggers, best not find out, but I like the rhyme?

Chefs don't always get burns from pans

2009-05-17T14:30:00.015+01:00

A top day all round for me on Saturday. A full day cooking and learning with David Hall, Masterchef Finalist and recent award winner (he'll love me for reminding him about that). We'd already agreed on a menu and he got to work showing me techniques, talking about food, other things and getting to try out the dishes before I let the girlfriend sample them for dinner that night.

We started with dressed crab fresh from the North Sea, learning how to get at all that lovely meat and making our own mayonnaise. Truly delicious, well worth the wait after he had texted me 'I've got crabs' the previous day. There was also a seafood salad with razor clams, a pea and leek tart (girlfriends favourite of favourites), herb crusted rack of lamb with vegetables and fondant potatoes and the superb award winning pudding of David's;spiced pumpkin bread pudding. What a treat to cook with him, then cook and eat the food for my girlfriend, I'm such a romantic. She adored the food (and me of course, millions of brownie points).

I stuck a nice dollop of home made ice-cream on the pudding just to end the evening on a cool note. Hope David didn't have too many scratches from his day - nothing to do with the cooking; he locked himself out his house later that day after I went round to fetch the main course lamb he'd inadvertently left my house with. Sometimes you have to go back to your childhood to scale a garage roof, even if you're approaching 40...

T in the street

2009-05-08T09:39:00.000+01:00

I had to look twice the other day watching an episode of Coronation Street. Mr. T appears to be walking along the cobbles in the background. He hates flying so he's not on his way to the airport but he could be on route to the hair-port (Audrey's). Coronation Street has been an institution in my family since I was a tiny lad, it's such a great comedy. Listen up fool...

Would you like to see some Llama's?

2009-04-27T13:37:00.005+01:00

A trip to the Lake District at the weekend gave us the chance to stay at a farmhouse, eat lots of homely food, drink (of course) and then walk it off along the river and over fields. Saturday night was very funny, a wine and cheese quiz at the local village hall hosted by a sort of crazy hippy Richard and Judy couple. It was based around German wine and food and we didn't have a clue, but by the end of the night, I knew more about how crap German wine actually tastes. I bid £4 for some German salami in the auction. On Sunday we walked past a farmhouse and were invited in to take a look at some Llama's. What happened to the old fashioned phrase - "Would you like to see some puppies?" Anyway, they are weird looking creatures, they look like they've been glued together with body parts from a camel and a giraffe.

Nasty Pasty, Frugal Google

2009-04-21T12:17:00.004+01:00

I've just been for a run and passed a Google car with a huge camera on top. There's been a lot of controversy about the way Google is going round the country photographing streets for its street view facility. Some people are saying it's an invasion of privacy. Imagine if you're having an affair and your wife or husband sees you with someone else! Woooo. It's supposed to blur your face, but I took a look at Newcastle quayside and spotted this fella with an un-blurred face. Classic sad photo though, the mandatory staple diet of the North East in a carrier bag! There's a link to 'report a concern' to Google. It would be interesting to report that you're concerned that people eat stuff from Greggs everyday, or that it's also a great advert for Greggs. Oh well, at least it's not a single mother with a push chair and the kid eating a sausage roll out the Greggs paper bag.

Legs n Eggs

2009-04-13T19:27:00.002+01:00

Inbetween a few beers, a Japanese meal and an easter egg, I completed the Easter Sunday North Tyneside 10K run. A great day, glorious warm sunshine and the scenic coastal route for 2000 people. I managed to do it in 57 minutes, nowhere near the winner who did it in 31. This photo taken by my girlfriend demonstrates my ability to lift my leg at a perfect right angle.

He's not married to Sally...

2009-03-30T13:56:00.007+01:00

This weekend it was the turn of the Live Theatre where we went to support another local comedian, Gavin Webster. We've seen him before, but this time he was much more mellow I thought. He did a lot of local gags which were very funny, including geordie roadsigns and daft short one-liner songs on his ukulele. I reckon he has spurts of genius like his panda routine where he ponders about how extinct they really are, and these are just enough to make you want more. He's done a few things on the telly in his time so watch out, he could be the next geordie voice you hear aside from Ant & Dec or the Big Brother fella.

Nodding dogs are just for the rear windscreen

2009-03-21T21:29:00.001Z

If they can ban mobile phones in the car why can't they ban dogs too? I queue in the morning traffic, a delight of course, especially when you get the chance to observe other drivers. There's one bloke I see from time to time, drives a sports car, probably smells of lavender, eats quiche for lunch, you know the sort. But what distracts me is his white poodle dog which sits on his lap behind the steering wheel, it's jumping about, spinning round, licking his face, peering out the open window. Urgh, shoot it. Or better still, I'm waiting for its paw to hit the electric window button while it's peering out!

True Comic Relief

2009-03-18T13:24:00.003Z

He's popular, talented, really funny, does great impressions, can sing, can dance (well a brilliant Shakin' Stevens impression at least). Yes I know, it sounds like a description of me, but it's not. It's the superb Rob Brydon who made us constantly laugh, on stage last night. His humour, quick wit and audience banter was brilliant. He's number 1 in the charts with the comic relief song, and finished the night doing this in a funny way of course. He went into the audience and tried to get his leg back onto the stage but kept falling back. A lady in the front row tried to help with a hand round his buttocks. I tried to get a photo of the cheeky incident. You can just make out Rob after being touched up at the front of the stage.

I want my £30 back...

2009-03-09T13:25:00.002Z

I have an idea why Newcastle City Council has just received the worst annual review. A few weeks ago, I blogged my parking ticket incident. I appealed twice claiming that it was not marked properly as a loading bay, and because of building work going on it was not obvious to the driver. I paid for a ticket thinking it was a normal bay. Anyway, the gits at the council made me pay £30. But the sneaky council has now put a brand new LOADING BAY sign on the parking bay, taking my advice but still fining me. So I'm now trying to get my £30 back.

Older, bolder, shrinking shoulder

2009-03-03T20:53:00.006Z

I'm now officially old, I've moved onto another age section when you fill in forms. Still feel like a big kid though, so it must be true when they say it's all in the mind. My celebrations came to a head with a fantastic party at a great venue, Magnesia Bank arranged by my beautiful girlfriend. It was great fun to see daft dancing and be with all friends and family in the same room. Food provided by The Black Door, it was so good I just wanted to kiss it all. So I'm now at the age where I start thinking about caravans, taking up golf, getting a tartan blanket for the car just in case I get stranded and of course buying a second fridge to go in the garage. I'm the good looking fella in the middle on this photo, my mate on the left trying to look like William Shatner and uncle on the right who looks like he's got a hair in his mouth. I look the youngest of course. Now I'm off to measure my spine..

Quelle surprise

2009-02-23T14:37:00.003Z

My birthday celebrations continued on. After a champagne surprise, I also had another to look forward to. A hot stone massage. I lay there for an hour while a pro (cough) massaged my back and legs with oils and volcanic rocks which were heated. What an amazing feeling, I was so relaxed you could've tickled my feet while I looked you in the eye. This is how everyone should fall asleep. So I'm putting my girlfriend on a teaching course; then I can have one of these on demand.

My name is Michael CAINES...

2009-02-23T13:31:00.005Z

Well it's coming soon, a special birthday for me, I turn the age when your spine probably starts shrinking. To start the celebrations, we went off to Glasgow for the weekend as we've never been. It's a great City and men do wear kilts and the Scottish breakfasts are a carb explosion. We had a very special night at Michael Caines' restaurant Abode. Don't mix him up with the cockney actor though, he's a 2 star Michelin chef - what a show off. What an amazing meal we had, including Scottish salmon confit, venison and a raspberry and chocolate tart. The lady in my life had crab tortellini, halibut and a banana souffle. How posh we are.

Watch the birdie

2009-02-11T13:37:00.006Z

There's nothing quite like having a portion of chips from a good chip shop and eating them at the seaside. I'm lucky enough to have this on my doorstep and it's great to give yourself a treat once in a while. I reckon it's far too cold this time of year for the seagulls to hover over you and pinch a chip so go and test this out if you live on the coast. It'll not be long before they start protecting their young and swooping down on me as I go for a run. I once turned round as a seagull was coming towards me, put my arms out wide making a feeble 'raaaah' sound. It did nothing, I'm sure the bird gave me a condescending look. The family across the road shook their heads.

Window Lean

2009-01-29T12:54:00.006Z

Look at these fellas, they are cleaning the windows of the Sage building in Gateshead. That's very high up, what if you suddenly need a wee, or worse. It's not as if you can have a go up there because everyone inside the Sage will see. Wonder how much they charge, and where do they keep thier bucket! So many questions.

So here's to you Mrs...

2009-01-29T12:26:00.002Z

We gave the small theatre a go last night, watching an adaptation of the oscar winning film, The Graduate. They’d picked a young Dustin Hoffman look-a-like who played the part of the 21 year old really well. Mrs Robinson was very funny and quite convincing, even when she got her kit off (honest!), a naked woman on stage, I nearly choked on my nuts. The Simon and Garfunkel soundtrack was used inbetween scenes which brought back memories of when I watched the film (I was very young though). The overall performance was quite captivating (if you managed to ignore the poor American accent from Dusty Bin’s dad). Driving home in the eery fog, we couldn’t get that well known song out our heads…..so you’ll be singing it now….

In Vivo

2009-01-19T21:09:00.004Z

You've got to try Cafe Vivo in Newcastle. Honest Italian food. At last, an Italian style restaurant in the town that doesn't ram pasta and pizza down your throat as if there's no other option. We were knocked back by the flavours they packed into the food. The girlfriend had the best bruschetta with portobello mushrooms ever tasted and I would second that cos I knicked some. I had prawns with lemon and chilli dressing and they were superb, followed by succulent moist Tuscan pork. I thought my eating partner was going to faint when she tried her steak, cooked rare with true flavour. So good. The restaurant has to be a winner, it should be, it's a Terry Laybourne thing, the man behind Jesmond Dene and Cafe 21. A great start to the night, just before going to see Sarah Millican.

Sarah's Not Nice

2009-01-19T20:33:00.004Z

Well we didn't have to wait long to get tickets for South Shields comedian Sarah Millican, I got them for a surprise Christmas present for that beautiful lady in my life and we went along at the weekend. She was absolutely great again, with her 'Not Nice' set with jokes about her divorce and life after. We got to hear her new material too which was just as good. I think Sarah is something special on the comedy circuit at the moment, great comedy timing and I reckon she will go far.

We can't work it out

2009-01-18T09:58:00.001Z

Yoko Ono is mental. We went to see her Art Exhibition and were confonted by a stack of black umbrellas, piles of books, bottles of water and a video of her getting her clothes cut with scissors. What a mess, I just wanted to tidy it all up. I reckon John Lennon is still alive, he just needed to get away from her, now he's a Nowhere Man.

How do you get a traffic warden out of a tree? Cut the rope.

2009-01-16T13:46:00.004Z

Put your hands up if you hate traffic wardens? Put them down, you stink. Anyway, how come the council are cleverly making car spaces to look like parking bays? I parked in what I thought was a space, it had no yellow lines, no 'Loading Bay' markings, no other signs and parking meters either side. It was in between two parked cars and the length was just right for a car. I got a valid ticket only to come back to a ticket for £30 on my windscreen. I'm appealing of course but I'm sure they will win with their crazy rules even though there was a 20cm faint trace of what could be a yellow line just before my front wheel. Feel free to punch a traffic warden in the face for me.

Scarey Sky

2009-01-12T13:58:00.000Z

I just had to take this photo, really spooky, very eerie, the birds stopped singing, the air was thin. Everything was really really quiet. Until I pumped.

Forget pub crawling

2009-01-11T09:52:00.003Z

You're supposed to start the new year off watching what you eat but circumstances led us to visit 3 restaurants in 2 days. The first being Danielle's in Hexham. Ran by an over-enthusiastic Italian fella, he loved touching my shoulders as he put down my lamb shank which was a treat in its red onion gravy! The next day we went to Uno's for lunch on Newcastle Quayside, it used to be the place to go. In contrast to Danielle's, they were a bit unfriendly when we asked for a table for 5 as if we were putting them out. The food is bog standard, bog being the operative word. For dinner, we went off to Zeera's in South Shields, a contemporary Indian restaurant. A great menu (away from the norm along that street), especially the fish. The lamb should be so tender in my Pasanda but wasn't, I would still go back though to try the fish. They did try and keep the change from the bill at first, a misunderstanding...mmmm.

Wheely silly

2009-01-05T13:42:00.000Z

It's not every day you go for a nice walk along the beautiful coastline and see someone riding a unicycle, but I managed to snap this fella just before he fell off. It was really funny, I felt like I'd got to see a clown in practice. I wonder how he rings his bell?

Chef for a day

2008-12-27T13:23:00.000Z

Well I got the best Xmas present ever this year from the beautiful lady in my life. Masterchef finalist David Hall is going to come round my house and give me some professional cooking advice, let me decide on a 4 course meal to make and be shown all the techniques and how to cook it to perfection. Very exciting, can't wait. Just got to think of four ways to make beans on toast now ;) Of course I will blog it when it all happens.

Shields lasses win awards

2008-12-12T13:07:00.003Z

Great to see that local South Shields comedian Sarah Millican is starting to make an impact into the national comedy circuit. We went to see her some time ago, you can read about it here. She's just won best newcomer at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, that's a big achievement. Look out for her, starting with an appearance on Have I Got News For You in December. Hopefully it won't be too long before she does a gig near her home town and I can go along.